Loafing at the Sunday Times

Dear Ray Hartley, Editor of the Sunday Times,
          When I first heard about it I thought there couldn’t be a grain of truth in the story. Somebody must be chaffing. But it was true. To try and boost circulation you were advertised a free loaf of bread with every paper bought. You forgot to include the butter and it was still billed as a Special Offer.          
          Thanks for excluding us loyal subscribers. Are we expected to starve now that you’ve got us on the hook?
           It’s a novel way to boost circulation I’ll give you that. Were you aiming at those A & B income group readers who are now on the breadline? Or were you trying to get the very poor or those union members who are loafing at home on another holiday strike interested in buying that Paper for the People?
           The way prices are escalating a loaf of bread costs almost as much as the R15 for the S. Times. So wouldn’t it be more of an enticement to just cut the price of the paper instead of casting crumbs before the populace (Oops I nearly said ….). That way you could get people to buy the paper instead of their daily bread. As you know apart from being a great read it has all kinds of other uses like getting the fire going and so on. You’re still struggling I see to perfect one that can be eaten and still has some nourishment. 
          I must say it brightens up lives by giving people, particularly the down and outs, something to dream about and get their minds off mundane things like bread.  For instance the Sundays Times Good Times advertisement says you can Enjoy an evening of award-winning brandies for a mere R295 per person. This includes five courses, the brandies and a KWV goodie bag.
          I see readers mustn’t get the idea they can drown their sorrows about living in a tin hut where a shack fire might take it any day because the drinks are for your account after the first few dops that you give away just to get revelers in the right spirit.

          Unfortunately the one big drawback of these Good Times is that, sorry man, you can’t afford to give a free loaf of bread to people when they book.  It’s only when they buy the paper that you sponsor that luxury.
          Yours truly
          That loafer
           Jon

Sex and the Bed and Breakfast

Dear Director of the SA Tourist Board

          Sorry to bother you but I thought it was important that everybody contemplating opening up their home to tourists should receive some Sex and the B&B education before they start.           

          I’m sure everybody would benefit from the experiences my wife and I had. I’m not referring here to wife or husband swopping with the guests, although that might have been fun. Anyway here’s what we learnt from our B&B experience. I can’t say it’s the A to Z of Sex and the B&B but I’m prepared to do more research if you pay for it.         

          As you know B&Bs are a lot more personal than hotels because they are so much smaller. The result is that owners have a pretty good idea of what’s going on in the bedrooms without having to resort to video cameras in the ceiling.

          People who are not in the business may not be aware that a B&B is, to a larger or lesser extent, actually a Bed and you know what, with breakfast on the side. That’s not to suggest the establishments are doing anything improper, it’s just that their guests are doing what comes naturally.

          It’s this birds and the bees thing that can give B&B owners quite a few headaches, so nobody must try running one if they have strict religious principles, or a whole lot of children who they want to protect from this wicked world.

          Holidaymakers often do things that they would never do at home. They known they won’t be called upon to explain their actions. They left that to us as my wife and I found out when our rather staid, architect neighbour called us to the low wall that separated our two properties.

          Pointing to something on the ground on his side he demanded, What’s this? One look and we knew exactly who was to blame.

          But what do you say when you are confronted with a candle sheathed in a condom and a couple of used ones lying next to it? I don’t think he would have been amused had I said, You don’t know half of what your wife gets up to when you’re at work.  So we both pleaded ignorance.

          This was our first insight into the kinky activities of the couple who had occupied one of our rooms for more than a week and had seldom gone out.         

          The reason why we knew they were the culprits was that we had a distinctive candle in the rooms in case of a power failure and their one was missing. The last thing we expected was that our candle would come in handy for a different kind of power failure.

          We wondered if we should get another star to our rating for catering for all eventualities. Not being too familiar with the versatility of the candle my wife and I were mystified. Wasn’t that taking precautions too far by wearing a rubber with it?  

          These days, to be the perfect B&B host, your expertise not only has to extend to providing hearty breakfasts and a pleasant atmosphere, but you also need the skill of a day old chicken sexer.

          The test is when you are confronted with two men or two women, who want a room for the night. In an instant you have to decide…Are they straight or are they lovers? Should you offer them a room with two single beds or one with a double bed?

          Go for the singles and you might offend them by implying that you disagree with their way of life. Then again you could cause yourself even more trouble by putting two macho guys in a room that only has a double bed.

          In this sexual lottery you can’t take anything for granted. You can’t even assume that a male and female couple will want to sleep in the same bed. Fortunately the guesswork is usually taken out of these situations with the couple specifying they want single beds, when that is the case. They leave you to work out their sexual preferences. And when an elderly man arrives with a girl young enough to be his daughter you have to hedge your bets once again.

          I don’t think we’ve quite reached the stage when you can openly ask guests, Double or single? like a barman taking an order for Scotch. But it can’t be far off. In the meantime hosts will have to continue pussy footing around, hoping they don’t make any embarrassing mistakes.

          Don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating a moral rearmament campaign among B&Bs. You don’t last long running on empty.

          Yours faithfully,

          Jon

PS. I lied when I said we didn’t have cameras in the rooms. Sales of the videos are booming. We’ve restricted them to tourists so as to boost our country’s image overseas.

Buy my book 'Where have all the children gone?' on Amazon.com  It's a thriller with an underlying love story that defied generations of prejudice. 

Good and Bad Service Awards

Dear Mythical Minister of Good Service
          Do you mind if I assume you are male because I’m biased in that direction. Just because we can’t see you I’m sure that doesn’t mean you are not getting an above the poverty line salary of several millions. But that’s not what I’m really on about.
          I hope you won’t think I’m stealing (sorry if that’s a touchy word in Government circles) your thunder if I start my own GOOD SERVICE AWARDS.  I don’t mind if you join me if your Big Boss Zuma will finally allow you to appear in public.
          Unfortunately good service in South Africa seems to have become a dying art so that’s why it is such a huge surprise and a pleasure to find somebody who actually takes their job seriously enough to realise that without the customer they wouldn’t have bread on the table.
          Why is it that efficiency has come nowhere near the miraculous advances in technology? Not in South Africa at any rate. So many people, particularly in big business and of course in Government where the worst offenders are, have difficulty answering the phone or pressing send on their computer. Others can’t do anything now; it’s always tomorrow and a lot of managers have let their positions go to their head. They pass the buck so nothing every gets done.
          Sadly customers don’t really matter at all to those in Government service. They get paid for whatever they do and we often read that the real rotters get moth-balled for years on a full salary. So your Government’s entire system is geared to rewarding people who are incapably of doing their job. And that more or less accounts for everything.

Anyway here’s my list of

CHAMPIONS OF GOOD SERVICE in no particular order.

·       The girls, tellers, inquiry ladies etc, at the Long Beach Mall Absa Branch (That’s near Fish Hoek in Cape Town). They always have a smile and most importantly they always greet my wife and I by our Names, not our number (more about them later).

·       Then there is Michael Jordaan. Talk about Flash Michael! If you want efficiency he’s the man to contact. I’m not sure if he didn’t invent it. What a brilliant example he sets if only we could all follow it. And what makes his lightning efficiency even more impressive is that he has a lot more to think of than my piddling little problems. You see he just happens to be Michael Jordaan, Chief Executive of First National Bank. He answered the two emails I sent him instantly. I must emphasise that we are not related and he sorted out my problems quickly (more about the one later).

·       RSA Government Retail Savings Bonds. When investing in these I thought I was in another country. I just couldn’t believe how efficient they are. I phoned up and they answered quickly. I didn’t have to hang on for two days only to give up when nobody answered (Isn’t that what happens with Zuma’s gold plated, help line?). I told them how much I was going to invest. I paid the money in and a few hours later I had the confirmation on my computer. It’s brilliant. Why, oh why Mr Minister can't this RSA Bonds expertise be distributed to all other Government departments? But I suppose you guys are only good at spreading the bad stuff like Aids.

·       Alderman Felicity Purchase. A Great lady who has held the Cape Town City Council together for years. She always answers emails promptly and gets some action. If she’s an example of a typical Democratic Alliance councillor that’s the party to vote for in the next municipal elections. Sadly she’s about to retire after ….years of serving the citizens of the Mother City. Let’s hope the DA has a replacement, who can live up to her extraordinary standard.

Next comes the

SELFLESS VOLUNTEER AWARDS.

·       My neighbour, Peter Cooper. Without him 40 old people living in Fishoek in Cape Town’s deep South would starve. He’s the driving force for Meals on Wheels that ensures that these people get a hearty meal delivered to their homes three times a week. Not only does he do most of the organising but he can be seen doing deliveries as well on a lot of days.

                                 The last ones are my

BOTTOM OF THE CLASS FAILURES.

·       Kuseni Dlamini, Managing Director of Old Mutual. I sent him an email to his personal email address on 21 October about my wife’s policy. On 27 October another one went off saying, Could I please have a reply? After speaking to his PA on the phone she told me to send the enquiry to her and this I did on 1 November. She then got somebody well down the line to phone me. On 7 November I sent another email to Dlamini saying, I think it’s appalling that as head of Old Mutual you can’t even be bothered to answer an email sent directly to you. That got a response when he phoned me full of apologies, but the damage was done. He should attend the night classes Michael Jordaan gives on service excellence.

·       Martin Fillis, the manager of the inappropriately named Ubuntu Muncipality.  He was another person who did not answer repeated emails to his personal email address. And even when I got hold of his direct telephone number I could never contact the man. In fact I was never able to get a reaction from him over my efforts to stop Ubuntu from giving me final warnings to pay a traffic fine I had already paid. He’s another candidate for Jordaan’s classes if anybody can locate him (more about Ubuntu later).       

As you can see some of the categories are rather empty but I’m sure I will be able to fill them up as the idea takes off. If you know of any deserving cases please let me know.
          Yours faithfully,
          Jon, Service Watch Dog & Batchelor of Good Causes.
P.S. My wife has just reminded me that she should have been included here because she has spent almost a century of selfless, slavery looking after me.     

Buy my book 'Where have all the children gone?' on Amazon.com  It's a thriller with an underlying love story.

What code of Conduct

Dear Phylicia Oppelt, Editor of The Times,
             I said to my wife today that your paper is a great read now and she replied, It’s probably because its run by a woman. As I’m not a chauvinistic pig I have to reluctantly agree that my wife may possibly be right. But it’s a big may though? And if she is right it will be the first time this century.
          But while your paper could be the bargain of the decade at R2 and a five day a week freebie for Sunday Times subscribers, it’s an aspect of freebies that does concern me as the Poor Man’s Press Ombudsman.
           I look out for things that are too piffling for the South African Press Ombudsman, Joe Thloloe to worry about. Although with the ANC breathing down your necks threatening all kinds of terrible things against the Press I would have thought Joe would be looking out for transgressions everywhere so I wouldn’t have to do it.
          The other day virtually the entire page was taken up with a glowing puff about the Marlin Lodge in Mozambique’s Benguerra Island and Federal Airlines.
          It was written by Shanthini Naidoo, your deputy features editor of this Avusa Group paper. And it began There are a few good reasons to blow the budget. One of them, for a recently-wed like me, is to relive your honeymoon. The Lodge has 17 suites with rates starting from R3 000 per person sharing. Not the kind of place the Poor Man’s Ombudsman can afford to stay in unless he got a job with you guys.
          That was in October and the article concluded with this rider Naidoo was a guest of Mantis Collections’ Marlin Lodge and Federal Airlines.
          Then in late November it was Andrea Nagel’s turn to languish in luxury so she could report on the Lions Sands game reserve in your BLOW THE BUDGET section. That’s some place by the sound of it. This private game reserve bordering the Kruger Park is the haunt, Nagel told us, of the very rich and famous. People like George Michael, Microsoft’s co-founder, Paul Allen and singer Vanessa Williams are just some of the names she dropped.
          Surprise, surprise people also go there to see wild animals, like the Big Five.
          The most romantic feature Nagel revealed was the private bush tree house at the top of a majestic 500-year-old Leadwood tree open on all sides to the plains and the wild animals that inhabit them. And though every moment of my weekend at Lions Sands was memorable, I’ll make sure that next time I sign up for the tree-house experience. Oh! and there will be a next time.  Even on a journalist’s miserable salary?

·       Nagel was a guest of Lions Sands we were told at the bottom.

          And in the sports section a week or so later a report on the Springboks’ tour of Britain by the rugby writer had a similar thought provoker. Simnikiwe Xabanisa is on the Springboks Grand Slam tour courtesy of British Airways.
           As the headline on Nagel’s article said, There’s no beating about the bush, so I won’t either. Does this mean Phylicia that The Times paid for these trips or did the journalists get them free?
            Avusa’s code of conduct you will recall proudly proclaims: We do not accept anything for free. We pay our way. We do not accept gifts, freebies, inducements, special offer tickets and so on that are not available to us as ordinary citizens.
          Well I’m an ordinary citizen, very ordinary my ex-wife would no doubt have told you, and I haven’t received an invite lately from Mala Mala game reserve (Approximately R4 000 to R6 000 a night sharing although they only talk in US dollars). And nor has South Africa Airways got around to inviting my wife and I to be their guests on a flight to Australia when they know perfectly well we have a daughter there.
          If these were free trips your paper was talking about, what’s the point in being so coy about them with these bits in italics at the end? Regarding the rugby one, is the rider the pay back advert for British Airways and in the case of the Naidoo and Nagel articles was it to tell us that, in the circumstances, we could hardly expect a critical assessment of the places where they stayed or the airline mentioned?

          EINA! In the Sunday Times of November 28 a prominent column on Page 4 ended with another of these what’s-going-on riders. It said, Makhanya visited Argentina courtesy of that country’s South African embassy.
          Did that mean us tax payers paid? If so nobody asked for my permission. Or was it the Argentinians who had the pleasure?
          You know who this is? It’s none other than Mondli Makhanya, former Editor in Chief of the Sunday Times and now the big shot of them all, the Editor in Chief of Avusa Media’s entire newspaper empire.
          What’s that the Press is always telling us; If you’re in the public eye don’t make a spectacle of yourself.
          Yours watchfully,
          Jon, the Poor Man’s Press Ombudsman.

Buy my book 'Where have all the children gone?' on Amazon.com  It's a thriller with an underlying love story that defied generations of prejudice. 

Good and Bad Banks

Hi Maria Ramos, Chief Executive of Absa Bank,

          As you may or may not know I give Good and Bad Services Awards. Unfortunately the bad far exceed the good so it’s a pleasure to be able to balance things up a bit.

          This letter is only about praise. Makes a change doesn’t it coming from the number one critic of everything under the sun.

          I must apologise for being a bit late but as my wife will tell you Last-minute-Charlie is my nickname, but this really needs to be done in time for Christmas. If you are still in a quandary as to who to give bonuses to I have the answer.

          Why not set a wonderful precedent by forgoing you usual fat bonus this year and get your fellow chiefs to do the same. Then spread the money your bank would have spent around to the most deserving employees on the ground as it were.

          In your lofty office in Johannesburg you may not be aware Maria of the exceptionally good things that are happening at the other end of the country in Cape Town’s Deep South. There the staff at your Long Beach Mall branch are a pleasure to do business with, a Great Pleasure.

          They are charming and delightful; a shining example of service at its very best. To the tellers and the staff at the inquiry counter my wife and I are not just a number. We are people who always get greeted by our names and even when we pass one of them outside the bank we can rely on getting a cheery greeting by name.

          Nothing beats being recognised especially in today’s business environment, where the personal touch has long since given way to SMSs, emails and call center voices from faceless people who wouldn’t know a customer if they saw one.

          Being a man I’m ashamed to say that all  the people I am talking about are  female. And I also have to confess that I believe that women knock spots off men if there are any Good Service Awards to be won. They are so much more caring. They would have to be otherwise my wife would not have put up with me for the last 90 years and I would have been put down at birth.

          Here are their names: Tina Goldberg, Zayaan Adam, Wendy Katnis, Berhadine Christian, Isobel Riley, Shona Herbst and Tamsyn King. And Shona is expecting a baby boy early in the new year so she needs a special bonus more that most people.

          So please do the right thing Maria and see that these ladies get what they deserve because I’m sure that their salaries fall far short of the prestige that their brand of public relations is bringing to your bank.

          Happy Christmas Bonus Paying to the Very Deserving cases.

          Regards

          Jon, a Most Impressed Client. 

*     *     *

Dear Michael Jordaan, Chief Executive of First National Bank,

          Oh Michael, I can’t believe it. You came out tops in my first Good and Bad Service Awards because of the prompt way you answered my emails. And now one of your branches has really blown it.

          But you must admit that I told you some time ago that all was not well at the FNB branch at the Long Beach Mall. I closed my FNB account after more than 20 years because of my first few experiences at this branch after I moved from Johannesburg to Cape Town about two years ago.

          Since then my wife and I have been forced to go into that branch occasionally to make deposits for other people. When I have been there the Inquiry Counter has been manned by a notice on it saying Please go to the next counter. The excuse is always that the lady is out to lunch, powdering her nose or you can take your pick.

          You would think that it would not be much of a problem to have sufficient deposit slips avail at a bank. But at this branch they are like R500 notes which our Reserve Bank hasn’t yet got around to printing.

          I was at the branch on about 10 November looking for a deposit slip. All I could find were funny bits of paper that could have been made by the manager’s five year old child as part of a school project. A woman staff member walked past me so I asked her where I could get a proper deposit slip. In keeping with the branch’s general philosophy she told me that wasn’t her job and walked away. 

          These slips would have disgusted even Monopoly players as they didn’t have a section for the name of the person I was paying.  The woman who appeared to be in charge of the branch explained to me that they kept running out of genuine deposit slips because clients walked out with piles of them so as to avoid paying for deposit books.

          Other banks I’ve dealt with don’t seem to have this problem, Michael. Could it be that your deposit books are totally over priced?

          When my wife went to the branch on 17 November the deposit slip story hadn’t changed. Only this time there was a new twist. She arrived early hoping to be one of the first in the queue to be greeted by a notice saying that as the branch would not open until after 9.30 am clients should go to the Fish Hoek branch. This just happened to be about 10 kilometers away. My wife hung around the Mall and the branch did finally open after 9.30.

          What’s going on Michael?  Surely if you run a branch on a shoestring you can only end up with all your clients walking down to the other end of the Mall where the staff at Absa bank will be only too happy to welcome them. If I’m not mistaken that bank opens at 8.0 am in the run up to Xmas.

          Sorry to spoil your Christmas, Michael,

          Yours faithfully

          Jon

Poor Man's Press Ombudsman censures Sunday Times

Dear Brendan Peacock, Sunday Times Business journalist,

          Nice piece you wrote in the Money & Careers section of your paper. It was extremely helpful to warn us less sophisticated investors about what to look for before taking the plunge. One reads too many stories of people, particularly pensioners, who have lost their life savings in get-rich-quick schemes that turned out to be anything but that.

          So if your story has saved just one person from making one of these disastrous mistakes it will have achieved something. As you know it was headed "HALLMARKS OF A SCAM. Look very deep before you leap" and "The first sign of a scam is the outrageously good return it seems to offer."

          As the recently appointed Poor Man’s Press Ombudsman I hope you don’t mind me asking, How well do you read your own newspaper? And can you ask the same question of your overall Editor, Ray Hartley to save me the trouble.         
          In your report Brendan you quoted Louis Strydom, Pricewaterhouse-Coopers’ top forensics expert. He told us readers what to look for when a tempting, money making opportunity is presented.

          And on Page 4 of the main paper in the same edition in which your story appeared there was this interesting ad which I would like you to compare with what Strydom had to say.

          Set against a black background so that the white letters stood out impressively it began, "Earn up to R100 000 p/m. Get your slice of the Telcoms Revolution NOW and secure your financial future. Capital Required: R300 000.  Limited opportunities! Don’t miss out!"  And to make it even more enticing for the investor he didn’t have to work for his money. He could sit back and watch the returns rolling in because the ad said, "Passive income." It ended with these reassuring words, "Well established company. References available." It’s so well established that it is too bashful to mention its name.

          Let’s now look at Strydom’s warning signs to see if any of them are in this ad.

•        If it seems too good to be true it probably isn't.
•        Any investments that offer returns well above market-related rates can be indicators of something amiss.
•        Terms such as ‘act quickly’ or ‘limited space available’ put pressure on investors to make hasty decisions.
•        Legitimate opportunities are generally offered through reputable, licensed financial institutions and the returns on investments promised will always be market related.

         The ad only gave the first names and cell phone numbers of two people as well as 011 numbers for the office in a complex in Roodepoort on the outskirts of Johannesburg.

         As you evidently don’t notice these things I feel I should point out that almost touching this Telcoms ad was this dire cop-out from your own paper. In big black letters it began "WARNING Readers are advised to carefully scrutinise advertisements offering investments opportunities. The Sunday Times cannot vouch for the claims made by advertisers."

         Even before I got my Ombudsman’s, appointment, by Presidential decree I must add, I began campaigning to get your paper to stop carrying ads that it was worried about instead of publishing this unacceptable warning. I’ve been going on about this for well over a year now but the hypocrisy continues unabated.

         Last August this well established company I’ve been talking about was offering R100 000 per month on a R150 000 investment. Then its name, Xtreme Telecoms started appearing in ads that offered the same income, but the investment required had gone up to R250 000. And in the ad in December that appeared at the same time as your article the name disappeared and the investment required had shot up to R300 000. Does the Reserve Bank have any idea about what is happen to inflation?

         When I phoned Hennie at Xtreme Telecoms he told me the company had been going for 14 months. And when I said that hardly made it well established he told me angrily not to waste his time and cut me off.

         Last September your section of the paper carried a shorten version of my letter complaining about  Xtreme’s ad as well as others like the one where you could earn 30% annually with no risk and interest and capital guaranteed. In your sister paper, The Times people were invited to Become a Millionaire by investing R100 000.

         The list goes on while the Sunday Times carries your sanctimonious article on how not to get scammed. What’s that number for the ANC Government’s new Press Policeman? I seem to have mislaid it.

         Yours truthfully,

         Jon, Investigative Journalist of the Old School.

PS. I’m sure your tail is a lot more colourful than my face.