Sex and the Bed and Breakfast

Dear Director of the SA Tourist Board

          Sorry to bother you but I thought it was important that everybody contemplating opening up their home to tourists should receive some Sex and the B&B education before they start.           

          I’m sure everybody would benefit from the experiences my wife and I had. I’m not referring here to wife or husband swopping with the guests, although that might have been fun. Anyway here’s what we learnt from our B&B experience. I can’t say it’s the A to Z of Sex and the B&B but I’m prepared to do more research if you pay for it.         

          As you know B&Bs are a lot more personal than hotels because they are so much smaller. The result is that owners have a pretty good idea of what’s going on in the bedrooms without having to resort to video cameras in the ceiling.

          People who are not in the business may not be aware that a B&B is, to a larger or lesser extent, actually a Bed and you know what, with breakfast on the side. That’s not to suggest the establishments are doing anything improper, it’s just that their guests are doing what comes naturally.

          It’s this birds and the bees thing that can give B&B owners quite a few headaches, so nobody must try running one if they have strict religious principles, or a whole lot of children who they want to protect from this wicked world.

          Holidaymakers often do things that they would never do at home. They known they won’t be called upon to explain their actions. They left that to us as my wife and I found out when our rather staid, architect neighbour called us to the low wall that separated our two properties.

          Pointing to something on the ground on his side he demanded, What’s this? One look and we knew exactly who was to blame.

          But what do you say when you are confronted with a candle sheathed in a condom and a couple of used ones lying next to it? I don’t think he would have been amused had I said, You don’t know half of what your wife gets up to when you’re at work.  So we both pleaded ignorance.

          This was our first insight into the kinky activities of the couple who had occupied one of our rooms for more than a week and had seldom gone out.         

          The reason why we knew they were the culprits was that we had a distinctive candle in the rooms in case of a power failure and their one was missing. The last thing we expected was that our candle would come in handy for a different kind of power failure.

          We wondered if we should get another star to our rating for catering for all eventualities. Not being too familiar with the versatility of the candle my wife and I were mystified. Wasn’t that taking precautions too far by wearing a rubber with it?  

          These days, to be the perfect B&B host, your expertise not only has to extend to providing hearty breakfasts and a pleasant atmosphere, but you also need the skill of a day old chicken sexer.

          The test is when you are confronted with two men or two women, who want a room for the night. In an instant you have to decide…Are they straight or are they lovers? Should you offer them a room with two single beds or one with a double bed?

          Go for the singles and you might offend them by implying that you disagree with their way of life. Then again you could cause yourself even more trouble by putting two macho guys in a room that only has a double bed.

          In this sexual lottery you can’t take anything for granted. You can’t even assume that a male and female couple will want to sleep in the same bed. Fortunately the guesswork is usually taken out of these situations with the couple specifying they want single beds, when that is the case. They leave you to work out their sexual preferences. And when an elderly man arrives with a girl young enough to be his daughter you have to hedge your bets once again.

          I don’t think we’ve quite reached the stage when you can openly ask guests, Double or single? like a barman taking an order for Scotch. But it can’t be far off. In the meantime hosts will have to continue pussy footing around, hoping they don’t make any embarrassing mistakes.

          Don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating a moral rearmament campaign among B&Bs. You don’t last long running on empty.

          Yours faithfully,

          Jon

PS. I lied when I said we didn’t have cameras in the rooms. Sales of the videos are booming. We’ve restricted them to tourists so as to boost our country’s image overseas.

Buy my book 'Where have all the children gone?' on Amazon.com  It's a thriller with an underlying love story that defied generations of prejudice.