Who's the Monkey if baboons are free while people live in cages?

Dear Baboon Huggers,

          Where in the world, other than in Cape Town, do you have people living in cages while the baboons around them run free?

        You think baboons can do no wrong. Our baby was taken by one of them from inside its cot that was in a bedroom. We found it two blocks away with its one leg bitten off. It’s a miracle the lad survived but do you people care; not a damn.

         Try shooting a baboon in Cape Town that is trashing someone’s house, raping his wife and eating one of his kids and there will be more reports and letters in the paper cursing the shooter than if he murdered five of his neighbours.

         You guys seem to think it’s quite acceptable for people to have to live behind bars to try and prevent your beloved baboons destroying everything they can get their hands on. You also expect us to have desert gardens so there’s nothing to eat that will encourage these mountain marauders from coming down into the built up areas.

         In addition we are supposed to keep all our pets (dogs of all sizes and cats) inside our houses at all times in case they get torn apart by a baboon. There have been recent press reports of at least two dogs being seriously mauled by one of these deranged primates. One was a bull terrier, a breed that is renowned for its fighting capabilities. But it was no match for the large male baboon that attacked it and left it at death’s door with broken bones and other wounds. The vet bill for its owners topped R20 000. 

          And before anybody in authority will even consider a complaint against a rogue baboon the complainant has to supply the baboon’s name, mountain rock number and full details of the damage the animal has done.  It is only when it can be established that the same baboon has committed at least half a dozen serious crimes that a long winded discussion will take place as to whether or not the animal should be put down.

          When Fred, a particularly vicious one, was euthanased, Jenni Trethowan, the baboon’s Mother Teresa had this to say in a letter to a local paper: Please confirm whether specific ‘dominance matrix’ study to establish whether or not Fred was still the alpha male of the Millers Point troop had been done. Unless this was done, she argued, it should have been assumed that he was still the leader of the troop and in terms of the protocol for individual, raiding males, he should not have been put down.

          So when a baboon goes on the rampage we must do costly, exhaustive studies before the animal can be taken out of circulation. Who is more important Jenni, people or baboons?

          Sorry, that’s a ridiculous question to ask any baboon hugger as you all epitomize Jenni’s famous quote, Once you go baboon, you never go back.

         The Cape Town City Council spends R10-million a year (enough to build around 250 houses for some of the thousands living in tin shacks) on yellow, jacketed baboon monitors. These men can be seen sleeping under trees or huddled in little groups chatting while baboons are raiding somebody’s house; pulling down the gutters and doing all kinds of other damage.

            Of course we have all heard your stupid argument about baboons being here first. But if you follow this nonsensical train of thought to its conclusion entire populations of countries would have to be shifted to their historical place in the world.  

          Sorry to have to tell you but somebody has gone and let the secret out of the cage. And I don’t think you people and more especially the baboons are going to be at all happy.

         It turns out that in the Western Cape, which includes Cape Town, it is legal, if you have a hunting licence, to shoot two baboons a day on your own property. The licence costs R185 which makes it a cheap investment to protect your family, your pets and your home.

         My friend shot 14 in a week a month ago and he hasn’t seen one since. If everybody starts doing this the problem will soon be solved and you huggers will just have to find something else to champion.

          How about people for a change – the starving millions.

        Regards,

          Jon, Chairman of the People-do-matter Society. 

Buy my book 'Where have all the children gone' on Amazon.com  It's a thriller with an underlying love story that defied generations of prejudice.