Sunday, May 15, 2011

Millions Threatened ANC Government

Dear Talita Mokheti, chairman of the Zandspruit Poverty Action Group,        
          Sorry to call you chairman, but I don’t believe in these new fangled ideas and all this political correctness nonsense.
          What I want to tell you is that your letter that was hidden away in the Business section of the Sunday Times was a real cracker. It should have been splashed across the front page of the main section of the paper.
          I hope you don’t take this as an insult if I presume you live in a shack because the little I know about Zandspruit is that it is near Johannesburg and is not renowned for its palatial mansions. And, if this is the case, congratulations on educating yourself so as to put your point across so well.
          For those who never saw your letter, here it is.
          The question I must ask you Lady-brilliant-letter-writer is this: Aren’t you being as bad as the South African Government that you so eloquently complain about if you are prepared to give it another chance after 16 years of promises and lies.’ Surely 16 years is more than long enough for anybody to put something right, although perhaps not in South Africa. If it has been going on for that long you can safely assume it’s become a bad habit that will not be cured by any threats from people at the bottom of the social ladder.
           My suggestion is that you get on and vote this Government out. Don’t wait for Ministers Patel, Manuel and Davies to suddenly have a change of heart because if you do you will find yourself writing another similar letter 16 years from now. You have to appreciate that the ANC invented procrastination.
          I hold no brief for any political party. Facts are what I go on and on the evidence available the Democratic Alliance seems to be doing a pretty good job in Cape Town and the Western Cape. Bearing in mind they inherited a mess, not from the old apartheid Government, but from the corrupt ANC regime.
          What I’ve said about the DA is not only my opinion. Even the ANC’s KwaZulu-Natal premier, Zweli Mkhize thinks so as well, according to The Times.
          As you would expect it was a backhanded compliment about the DA's leader which made it even more of a plus for that party. At a gathering of his party’s big wigs he said, A lot of work done by Helen Zille is fulfilling what the ANC manifesto is saying should be done. It’s a fat lot of good having such a great manifesto if your party is incapable of implementing it. But as you say the ANC are great wafflers and non existent doers.
          So why not give the DA a try. They could hardly be worse than that party of liars and they are the only viable alternative to the ANC in South Africa at the moment. And if they let you down please don’t wait another 16 years to use the muscle of 2 700 informal settlements to vote them into oblivion. That’s one of our country’s biggest problems. Too many people complain about the Government without taking any action at the ballot box.
          With any luck if you give the DA a chance you’ll soon be the Chairman of the Zandspruit Uplifted Group. But don’t blame me if my advice turns out to be wrong. The last thing I want is a midnight visit from the people in those 2 700 informal settlements you represent. I don’t think my security system was designed for that.
          Yours hopefully,
            Jon, Special Adviser to Shack Dwellers Everywhere.
Buy my book 'Where have all the children gone?' on  It's a thriller with an underlying love story that defied generations of prejudice.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Whites get the best seats in Toilets-with-a-View row

Dear South African Voters,
          It’s rubbish that only poor blacks are getting the short end of the toilet roll by having to make do with walless Council toilets.
          The ruling African National Congress has gone one better at the Witblikkiesfontien Municipality, which they have controlled for the last 17 years. As you know this is a town on the coast in the Northern Cape.
          There the enlightened Black dominated Council was determined not to be accused of racial prejudice so it has built 5 000 open plan houses for Whites only. They are lined up along the coast so that all of them are only meters from the sea.
          So as not to get bogged down in another toilet saga the Council decided to put these in first as soon as the foundations had been laid. The project has so far cost 50-million in a place where the only people who have a job work for the Municipality.
          Their biggest drawback is that the development is tailor made for nagging wives. Since we got our house my Mrs has been on at me constantly to get hold of the Mayor.
          One hundred and twenty phone calls and 30 visits to the Council offices later I managed to corner him as he was about to go fishing. He exploded as if it was all my fault.
          You whites, he screamed, are all the same. We try to do our best for you and risk riots from our followers and all we get are complaints, Lucky Lobengula, who owns a sanitary ware shop in the town went on.
          When you Whites come to live by the sea all you worry about is a view. So that’s what we’ve given you. You can see right across the Indian Ocean to America from those properties. So what more do you want?
          Don’t you mean the Atlantic Mr Mayor?
          You might think you can speak to your garden boy like that but don’t try it with me Whitey.
          To try and calm him down I replied, Mr Mayor I don’t want to be critical but we’ve had our houses now for two years. When are you going to build the walls?
          That’s news to me, he said picking up his fishing reel. I thought you people had agreed to put them up yourselves. The Council doesn’t have money for that you know.
          Our rules handbook is what we have to go by. And that says that before we do anything else, me, my deputy and our five most senior officials must all have a Mercedes Benz costing at least a million. And these must come complete with toilets because of the enormous distances we have to cover in this part of the country.
           We've got beyond going behind a bush you know.
          Sorry to have bothered you Mr Mayor, I retorted. In the interests of racial harmony we’ll just have to be content with enjoying the view. And of course we’ll go on voting for that AWC party of yours.
          That’s me in the picture doing my toilet training while reading  the Sunday Times. It gives you a good idea of what the Council means by open plan houses. But I must say they’ve saved us a packed on air freshener.
          Happy sight seeing,
          Yours faithfully,
          Jon, a Town Planner of repute when I’m not sitting on my Blog.

PS. For those of you who don’t keep up with the news the Democratic Alliance, our second largest party, exposed itself by installing unenclosed toilets in a black township in Cape Town. This is the only City in the country it controls.
          This was done after the people concerned agreed to enclose the toilets themselves. Most of them did this but some didn’t get round to it.
          With an election just round the corner this delighted the AWC’s youth wing rabble. When the DA put up structures to hide its embarrassment they kept smashing them down.
          The case went to court where a judged ruled the City must enclose them once again. Inexplicably he didn’t say what with so we can expect a lot more sewerage to hit the fan there.
        Meanwhile the DA is flushed with success having caught the AWC with their trousers down and you can appreciate they couldn’t stand the smell. It turned out that one of the ruling party controlled towns in the Free State had 1 620 uncovered bogs going back to 2003.
          The Sunday Times reported that a spokesman for the Moqhaka Municipality said they had covered 378 of these since last year and were busy doing the rest. It would cost R8-million to do them all but they only had R4-million available.
       There is nothing like a pending election to get Councillors everywhere off their arses.

Buy my book 'Where have all the children gone?' on  It's a thriller with an underlying love story