Napoli Trattoria a la pornographic

Dear Diner’s everywhere,

If you want a really tasteless evening out, surprisingly not from the point of the food, try Napoli Trattoria owned I am told by Bernardo Napoli.

It is colourfully decorated inside with flags and other souvenirs around the place and it takes a bit of time to adjust to the dim lighting. So it was a while before we noticed the tasteless decoration hanging on the wall just above my wife Gayle’s head (see pic).

Does Cape Town’s restaurant licensing authority approved of pornographic eating houses, I wonder. Do children have to be accompanied by an adult if they eat at this trattoria?

It is described as an old fashioned Italian style restaurant and is in the Main Road of Fish Hoek, one of the Southern suburbs of Cape Town.

Bernardo evidently believes in telling his guests exactly what’s on his mind. And what was on his mind turned out in our case to be as tasteless as what was hanging on the wall.

When my wife and I decided to take two friends there we were embarrassed from the start as each table had a scruffy note in the middle saying the credit card machine was not working. But as that is the facility normally provided by just about every restaurant, that was how we had intended to pay.

So we started the evening off by having to worry as to whether we had enough cash on us to pay.

Bernardo unconvincingly assured us we could pay the following day if necessary, and when he complained about what the banks charged for a card service it got us wondering as to when he last took credit cards.

His disposition changed when I ordered a Hawaiian pizza from the menu. He berated me for having this American shit and not ordering something Italian like the rest of us. Are you an American? he asked as if that was some kind of affliction.

Cape Town's Table Mountain cableway

This was hardly the recommended recipe for how to treat diners in this tourist Mecca at the Southern tip of Africa.

The bill came to R415. The evening was supposed to be on us but all we could raise was R220 so our guests coughed up another R210, which we borrowed from them, to enable us to hand over R430 to mine host.

That’s when Bernardo exploded. At the top of his voice in this very small establishment this short, stocky man told us that we should give a tip of at least R40. He accused us of being very mean.

But the tasteless evening was not over yet.

After we had gone to our car my slim, diminutive, five foot tall wife returned by herself and told Bernardo that his behaviour had been unacceptable. She pointed out that the only reason that we couldn’t pay any more as far as the tip was concerned was because we couldn’t use our credit card and had to scrounge money from out guests.

He was not the least bit repentant and got into another slanging match with her saying among other things that he had seen that one of our guests had a lot of money in his wallet.

So if you want to risk Bernardo’s wrath, Napoli Trattoria is the place to eat. Just remember to bring enough money because you can’t use a credit card and he decides how much you must tip.  

And don’t bring the kids unless you are not concerned about giving them a porno experience.

Regards,

Jon, the Consumer Watchdog, who does look at porn but not while he’s eating.  

P.S. The Film and Publications Board, which controls these things, is currently trying to make the difficult decision as to whether or not what’s on the wall at this trattoria is in fact pornographic under the Act before it can determine a course of action. Being a Government department this might take some time.

Great Absa Credit Card Lotto continued

Dear Maria Ramos, Chief Executive of Absa Bank,

          Sorry to bother you again Maria, but after I wrote to you the explanations I have been getting for your Credit Card Lotto are becoming more bizarre by the minute. If you were still running the railways a crazy system like this would have trains going off the lines all over the place.

          As it is, it’s your bank’s clients who are going off their heads with frustration, not to mention the embarrassment of having their cards rejected when they know they are in good standing financially.

          What I told you last time was that ever since I had been given a new card with a super security chip it gets rejected at shops almost as many times as it is accepted.

          To add to my woes I discovered by chance that when I pay my entire card debt by debit order from my cheque account on the 10^th of every month it is only reflected on my card three working days later. And during this period my card is blocked so I can’t use it.

          You were evidently too busy to answer my questions yourself so you put Wouter de Vos, the head of your Card Operation on to me.

          He explained that it was decided to put the three day hold on cards when payments were made by debit order or cheques because the payments had been made available without the money being cleared.

          Excuse my ignorance but how can debit orders and cheques be put in the same clearance category?  I appreciate that cheques might take a day or two to clear but surely debit orders go through instantly unless your bank is still using that computer model that Bill Gates perfected when he was in kindergarten.

       Here’s the real double Dutch from Wouter, Maria, We are supplying the correct information to the customer – payment is not cleared yet, even though it reflects as a payment on your credit card account.

          From my experience the customer has to be a mind reader to anticipate this because nobody tells him.

          The system, he said prevented fraud and reduced the risk of over indebting the customers. We’ve got nanny banks now because us stupid customers can’t stop getting into debt without the bank’s help. And of course preventing fraud comes way ahead of ensuring peace of mind for the honest clients who are in the majority by far.

          To confuse the situation even more he added, When the debit order is less that R5 000 the amount will be available immediately and I could phone the call centre to have my debit order hold lifted each month as my amounts were over this R5 000.

          If this was the case I asked him why couldn’t I have the block on my card lifted permanently as my credit limit was way above the amount I spent each month.

          Wouter then revealed that it was your humpty-dumpty system that was at fault because it can’t automatically pick up that the amount is available on the cheque account. They had asked your System Division to look into this to service our customers in a more efficient way. He added this encouraging note; Unfortunately we can’t confirm that it will be changed in the future.

          I suppose as you might have said when you were on the railways, That’s just hard lines for you Jonnie boy.

          The bumbling continued when I wanted an explanation as to what was the point of having a credit limit much higher than what I owed if my card was still put on hold. He said that after my last payment I had only used about a quarter of my credit limit leaving the balance available for use. In spite of that when I tried to use my card on the 11^th it was rejected.

          His excuse: We had a few system problems causing transactions not be approved. That’s rubbish because it’s not the first time this has happened to me unless of course your system hasn’t been oiled for years.

          He told me that if my card was rejected and I knew there was enough credit available I should insist that the merchant phones for an authorization. Perhaps he would like to try this with me at a till on a busy day at Pick n Pay. We’d both be lynched by the angry mob waiting in the queue.

          When I asked how much your bank made in interest in the last year while it held money in this no man’s land between accounts he said interest was paid, Where the account was in credit at the time of the debit order. Ha, ha, ha pull the other one Wouter. In any case according to my statement you are current paying the grand sum of 0.20% on credit balances.

          After the launch of the chip card in 2009 certain retailers were having a problem accepting these,  Wouter went on. We are having discussions with the Card Associations (MasterCard and Visa) to address this matter urgently.

          What! nearly two years after the launch? That’s a new definition for urgent.

          Absa’s attempt at delivering exceptional service has indeed been damaged, Wouter conceded.

          He can say that again, Maria. But don’t you think it was pretty elementary to first ensure that the merchants had the necessary equipment to process the new chip card before it was introduce.
          And even once this huge blunder had been made why was it kept under wraps?
Good customer relations would have ensured that all your card holders would have been told of the problem before they stomped and raged at shop keepers for rejecting their cards when they knew they had sufficient funds.

         

          Your Consumer Watchdog,

          Jon

PS. I’m afraid you lost Brownie points Maria by not initially answering the email I sent to you personally. You need to take lessons on top notch public relations from Michael Jordaan, the CEO of your rival bank, First National. He answers his emails almost immediately.

The Great Absa Credit Card Lotto

Dear Maria Ramos, Chief Executive of Absa Bank,

          Having once worked on the railways perhaps you can get your bank back on track over this one. If my experience is anything to go by every Absa credit card holder who pays his account by debit order has a period of three or four days (It’s as vague as that) in each month when his card is useless.      

 My debit order for everything I owe goes through on the 10^th of the month. The money disappears from my account but it is only reflected on my credit card a few days later.

           So while your bank is happily using my money my card is put on hold and it doesn’t matter if my credit limit is way above the amount I have just paid.

          It’s a scandal which your bank has so far done nothing  to remedy. It’s made worse by the fact that clients only find out about this after having their card declined at a shop. They are never told beforehand. 

          But for those who don't like to gamble that's not the only problem with these cards.

          I’ve had my chip. Ever since you sent me a new card with this super chip in it buying stuff with it is a nightmare. Previously my old card, which was issued in the ox-wagon age, gave me no trouble.

          They put it in the machine, I signed the slip sometimes and on other occasions nobody bothered about this formality. That’s what happens when you’ve got an honest face and good diction.

          The really important aspect was that it worked. I could pay for anything anywhere, provided of course my credit was in good standing which it always was.

           Now that the crooks have once again got a jump ahead you have forced these chips on us. This new wonder of technology not only prevents the bogy men from using my card, but it also keeps me from recklessly running up debt as well. Was that part of the master plan?

           Will it feel like working or is it having one of those days? I am constantly asking myself.

          I travel miles to buy something particular and what happens? My card goes into the machine and out pops a slip saying Please call auth centre at the top and at the bottom in capital letters it issues this warning DO NOT GIVE THE GOODS!   Will the updated ones perhaps say, Do not give the goods to this crook? On another occasion the message at the bottom was, Declined.

          Of course there is no way of telling which permutation has caused the problem when a shop keeper eyes me suspiciously. So with wonder card I still have to carry enough cash for all eventualities just in case I lose in this Absa lotto of yours. 

          Your staff told me that ignorant merchants are to blame for not processing the cards properly. If you want a really ridiculous explanation try, as I did, calling the help line at your card division.

          Having just had my card rejected for R84 at Pennypinchers I stomped into the bank and they got one of those cards at card division on the line. She explained that Pennypinchers needed to increase its authorization limit.

           But when I went back to this hardware store I was told this was the biggest load of bull they had ever heard. If their limit meant they had to get authorization for purchases as low as R84 they would be phoning card division every five minutes.

          So you badly need to issue a more plausible story for the call centre staff to use when all the other Jons come on the line. And how about getting all the merchants up to speed on how to process the thing properly? I would gladly try and teach them but I am now persona non grata everywhere.
          My impeccable reputation for being a fine upstanding citizen of considerable means has been shot to pieces.

          When I had to go into shops I pulled my mask over my face because I fully expect to see posters up around town with my mug on them saying, WANTED FOR CARD FRAUD He’s had his chips.

       Scared I’m now in hiding, heavily sedated and oh! I nearly forgot my wife left me because she says she only married me for my card.

How much money do you think a High Court judge would put on the loss of a reputation as valuable as mine????? 

          Deplorably yours,

            Jon

PS. This could be in the running for the worst of my Bad Service Awards of the month.

*   *   *

  Hallo Bic? Shouldn’t you rather stick to what you know best and that’s pens. Can you tell me the thinking behind your Big Easy razor? The pack contains a razor with a dummy plastic “blade” in it together with two razor holders with space for eight blades but two of these are empty.

             Then you tell us on the back of the pack that this first, all in one shaver is such a marvelous first that if you want more blades you have to buy another entire pack with a handle you don’t need.

            So if sales go as well as you are no doubt hoping we can expect our planet to be littered with thousands of unwanted plastic handles.

I suppose if they are the right colour you can claim to be Greening the World.