Thursday, April 30, 2020

A DEARJON CORONA SCOOP - Confessions of a top Government Minister verbatim

Dear South Africans,

          This is a huge DearJon Corona Scoop – a verbatim copy of what a senior South Africa Minister plans to tell us in the next few weeks.
          “I felt it was my duty in these trying times to put you right about exactly what you will be forced to do in the various lockdown stages that we have come up with entirely for your own protection. As the Kick Butt Minister my duty is to coordinate everything. Before I give you the details I must say it hasn’t been helpful for the DA party to label me the Minister of Confusion when I have been doing my best to make sure our people sail through this disruption in their lives as easily as possible.
          “The DA could have been more original. Our President had already bagged that title when he announced cigarettes could be sold again. He inadvertently failed to consult our Honourable Minister of Bad Habits, who promptly overruled him. Having had considerable experience of telling a President what to do during her 16 year stint as wife of our previous President, it was felt she knew best. In any case she had science on her side.
          “Before deciding that all the smokers in the country would have to go without their cigs because they compromise lungs and that’s where Corona hits first, she consulted our two best known illegal cigarette racketeers. If anybody should know how bad legal cigarettes (those that boost our tax revenue by millions) are it’s these two gentlemen.
          “Any suggestion that by reversing what our President said will give these wide boys millions more in under the table money is totally unfounded. Our Minister of Bad Habits has assured me that these men have given her their word that this will not happen.
          “She knows she can rely on them because they are good friends. Like her and the rest of us they only want the best for cigarette smokers.
There's no smoke for these gentlemen without a helpful Minister
          “We’ve had a few initial mishaps in Stage 5 that our President has decided, provided one of my fellow honourable Ministers doesn’t have a better idea, should not be allowed to happened again when we open more stages.
          “I don’t know if I should tell you this. You know how unpatriotic our DA is. They do everything to try and make our ANC party look more stupid than it is. And I don’t want that Helen woman to come out of her Twitter hibernation to tell the world that our country would have done a much better job of it if the Virus had hit us in Colonial times.
          I saw a tweet from that trouble maker Jon that I can’t leave unchallenged. He claimed that he would not give a cent to any charity administered by our Government  because, judging by the millions we spent on bringing those highly trained Cuban doctors here to help, the Government can’t be trusted to spend our money wisely.
          “This is completely untrue. As the Gupta Brothers would tell us, if only they were here, their charitable offerings were pocketed extremely furtively under the direction of our former President Zuma.
          “At our most recent get together we Ministers discussed the possibility of sending a charter plane to India to bring the Brothers here to advise us on how best to capture this Virus.  After all this should be child’s play for them; you’ve got to have a lot upstairs to capture a country the size of ours with 60-m people.
          “Our President and the rest of us Ministers have agreed to take an 80% salary cut to get them here if they’ll come. I’m convinced they will reduce their normal consultancy fee to help a country that has been so good to them. They will of course receive immunity from prosecution, much like those illegal cigarette barons are getting as part of our ‘Fight Corona’ master plan.
          “We are so lucky to have a President who was a top businessman. With him at the helm it won’t be long before all those derogatory ratings about the state of our economy will be gone. He is doing his best for our country. Our Minister of Police is busy tracking down that person; I think it was that Jon again, who made a derogatory tweet about him after he messed up on TV when putting his mask back on. This could have happened to anybody but this person chose to tweet: ‘Luckily he didn’t show us how to wash our hands.’  
          “Anyway what I was going to tell you is that in an effort to get the economy rolling, so as to reduce starvation as much as possible, we decided to allow roadside stalls to open as they are run by the poorest members of our informal sector, you know jovial one parent Mamas battling to feed numerous kids.

          “You would have thought that our officials on the ground would have warned us that this was not a good idea and could only damage the ANC’s name still further. If I had my way I would have got rid of the lot ages ago, starting with those top managers, who have been on suspension for years on full pay.
          “Hundreds of them, particularly in Kwazulu-Natal, rushed to man their stalls that had been standing empty for weeks. They stacked them with cabbages and various other things that they usually sell and sat there like fisherman waiting for a bite. The bites never came.
          “It wasn’t even raised at any of our Ministerial Waffles that this could happen. So it came as a complete surprise to all of us that roadside stalls are pointless when we have gone to so much trouble to keep everyone off the roads.  
          “I must emphasise that our President had no part in this Corona bungle, but I do think our Minister of Bad habits should have seen it coming if she hadn’t been spending so much time with her illegal cigs pals. Some people say she’s so involved with them she can’t be fagged to do anything else. There’s some unfounded (aren’t they all) rumour that she befriended them to get financial backing for her bid to become President when her ex Jacob Zuma got the boot. Money talks. No wonder she thinks she’s the President now. 
          “I’m afraid I’m going to blame our officials again for this one, although it wasn’t entirely their fault. It didn’t come up at any of our Ministerial meetings until the damage had been done. The sale of seed to farmers was banned. Our scientists told us that seeds go through numerous hands before they get to farmers, whereas this was not the case for tractors. You know how hands are blamed for much of the way the Virus spreads, so our officials had to go with the scientists. It was sheer luck that this was stopped before we ran out of food. Farmers now have enough tractors to last a life time. John Deere never had it so good.
          “Before I go I would like to thank our Minister in the Hat, whose name escapes me, for ensuring that nobody dares to defy the lock down any more. It was a wise move for our cops, ably backed by the army, to knock hell out of anybody found on our streets, when we’ve warned them repeatedly not to give our law enforcers any lip.
          “I must single out another stalwart of our party for special praise. He’s quite a card. I know he’s not a Minister but he does have a very powerful position in our party structure.
          “How about this for an outstanding philanthropic gesture? He’s agreed not to sue the author of a completely libellous book that was written about him on condition that the author agrees to give 50% of the book’s sales to the Solidarity Fund. It’s called something like What a State We’re In. An agreement has now been reached because he is confident that nobody will believe what has been written about him in the book, anyway. This is the kind of gutter journalism we in the ANC have to put up with all the time.
          “Oh! I nearly forgot here’s a couple more things I need to clarify. Running between 6.00 am and 9.00 am will only be allowed if you are not fleeing from the police or the army. I didn’t choose these times, but there must be some scientific reason for them. I must just warn you that it’s pitch dark at 6.0 am in the Cape at this time of year as winter sets in, so take a torch to make sure you don’t bump into another runner and watch out for muggers. Cape Town has a bit of a reputation for these.
          “Queueing for food will be restricted to a 20 kilometer line and nobody, other than law enforcement officers will be allowed to drive up and down the queue. It of course means no mini-bus taxis. We all know how just one taxi accident can put up our Corona death toll by 20% or more.
          “On the plus side at least we’ve solved the traffic problem, although I must warn those who are legally allowed to be on the roads, that the idea was not to turn them into another Kyalami race track.
          “You must all realise that lockdown is working. You may not think so if you are starving, but our scientists have assured us that’s a lot better than getting the Corona Virus. That’s the least we in the ANC are aiming for – the best of a bad job.
          “Thank you all for listening. Just stick to the rules for the benefit of all of us.”
This is the first scoop of this magnitude that I have had for my little blog. I owe it entirely to having the right contacts that are prepared to stick their necks out to make sure somebody like me gets the news first.

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