This
is a huge DearJon Corona Scoop – a verbatim copy of what a senior South Africa
“I
felt it was my duty in these trying times to put you right about exactly what
you will be forced to do in the various lockdown stages that we have come up with
entirely for your own protection. As the Kick Butt Minister my duty is to
coordinate everything. Before I give you the details I must say it hasn’t been
helpful for the DA party to label me the Minister of Confusion when I have been
doing my best to make sure our people sail through this disruption in their
lives as easily as possible.
“The
DA could have been more original. Our President had already bagged that title
when he announced cigarettes could be sold again. He inadvertently failed to
consult our Honourable Minister of Bad Habits, who promptly overruled him.
Having had considerable experience of telling a President what to do during her
16 year stint as wife of our previous President, it was felt she knew best. In
any case she had science on her side.
“Before deciding that all the smokers in the country would
have to go without their cigs because they compromise lungs and that’s where Corona
“Any suggestion that by reversing what our President said
will give these wide boys millions more in under the table money is totally
unfounded. Our Minister of Bad Habits has assured me that these men have given
her their word that this will not happen.
“She
knows she can rely on them because they are good friends. Like her and the rest
of us they only want the best for cigarette smokers.
“We’ve had a few initial mishaps in Stage 5 that our
President has decided, provided one of my fellow honourable Ministers doesn’t
have a better idea, should not be allowed to happened again when we open more
stages.
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| There's no smoke for these gentlemen without a helpful Minister |
“I don’t know if I should tell you this. You know how
unpatriotic our DA is. They do everything to try and make our ANC party look
more stupid than it is. And I don’t want that Helen woman to come out of her
Twitter hibernation to tell the world that our country would have done a much
better job of it if the Virus had hit us in Colonial times.
I saw a tweet from that trouble maker Jon that I can’t
leave unchallenged. He claimed that he would not give a cent to any charity
administered by our Government because,
judging by the millions we spent on bringing those highly trained Cuban doctors
here to help, the Government can’t be trusted to spend our money wisely.
“This is completely untrue. As the Gupta Brothers would
tell us, if only they were here, their charitable offerings were pocketed
extremely furtively under the direction of our former President Zuma.
“At our most recent get together we Ministers discussed the
possibility of sending a charter plane to India
“Our President and the rest of us Ministers have agreed to
take an 80% salary cut to get them here if they’ll come. I’m convinced they
will reduce their normal consultancy fee to help a country that has been so
good to them. They will of course receive immunity from prosecution, much like
those illegal cigarette barons are getting as part of our ‘Fight Corona’ master
plan.
“We are so lucky to have a President who was a top
businessman. With him at the helm it won’t be long before all those derogatory
ratings about the state of our economy will be gone. He is doing his best for
our country. Our Minister of Police is busy tracking down that person; I think
it was that Jon again, who made a derogatory tweet about him after he messed up
on TV when putting his mask back on. This could have happened to anybody but
this person chose to tweet: ‘Luckily he didn’t show us how to wash our hands.’
“Anyway what I was going to tell you is that in an effort
to get the economy rolling, so as to reduce starvation as much as possible, we
decided to allow roadside stalls to open as they are run by the poorest members
of our informal sector, you know jovial one parent Mamas battling to feed
numerous kids.
“You would have thought that our officials on the ground
would have warned us that this was not a good idea and could only damage the
ANC’s name still further. If I had my way I would have got rid of the lot ages
ago, starting with those top managers, who have been on suspension for years on
full pay.
“Hundreds of them, particularly in Kwazulu-Natal
“It wasn’t even raised at any of our Ministerial Waffles
that this could happen. So it came as a complete surprise to all of us that
roadside stalls are pointless when we have gone to so much trouble to keep
everyone off the roads.
“I must emphasise that our President had no part in this “I’m afraid I’m going to blame our officials again for this one, although it wasn’t entirely their fault. It didn’t come up at any of our Ministerial meetings until the damage had been done. The sale of seed to farmers was banned. Our scientists told us that seeds go through numerous hands before they get to farmers, whereas this was not the case for tractors. You know how hands are blamed for much of the way the Virus spreads, so our officials had to go with the scientists. It was sheer luck that this was stopped before we ran out of food. Farmers now have enough tractors to last a life time. John Deere never had it so good.
“Before I go I would like to thank our Minister in the Hat,
whose name escapes me, for ensuring that nobody dares to defy the lock down any
more. It was a wise move for our cops, ably backed by the army, to knock hell
out of anybody found on our streets, when we’ve warned them repeatedly not to
give our law enforcers any lip.
“I must single out another stalwart of our party for
special praise. He’s quite a card. I know he’s not a Minister but he does have
a very powerful position in our party structure.
“How about this for an outstanding philanthropic gesture?
He’s agreed not to sue the author of a completely libellous book that was
written about him on condition that the author agrees to give 50% of the book’s
sales to the Solidarity Fund. It’s called something like What a State We’re In. An agreement has now been reached because he
is confident that nobody will believe what has been written about him in the
book, anyway. This is the kind of gutter journalism we in the ANC have to put
up with all the time.
“Oh! I nearly forgot here’s a couple more things I need to
clarify. Running between 6.00 am and 9.00 am will only be allowed if you are
not fleeing from the police or the army. I didn’t choose these times, but there
must be some scientific reason for them. I must just warn you that it’s pitch
dark at 6.0 am in the Cape at this time of year as winter sets in, so take a
torch to make sure you don’t bump into another runner and watch out for
muggers. Cape Town
“Queueing for food will be restricted to a 20 kilometer
line and nobody, other than law enforcement officers will be allowed to drive
up and down the queue. It of course means no mini-bus taxis. We all know how
just one taxi accident can put up our Corona
“On the plus side at least we’ve solved the traffic
problem, although I must warn those who are legally allowed to be on the roads,
that the idea was not to turn them into another Kyalami race track.
“You must all realise that lockdown is working. You may not think so if you are starving, but our
scientists have assured us that’s a lot better than getting the Corona Virus.
That’s the least we in the ANC are aiming for – the best of a bad job.
“Thank you all for listening. Just stick to the rules for
the benefit of all of us.”
This is the first scoop of this magnitude that I have
had for my little blog. I owe it entirely to having the right contacts that are
prepared to stick their necks out to make sure somebody like me gets the news
first.
Keep well, See also:Corona virus truth we should face
Regards
Jon
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