Monday, December 24, 2012

Gun Mad American Pratts


Traitor Morgan
Dear Americans,
         Are you all going stark, staring mad? Have you lost your marbles completely? Are you hell bent on committing national suicide by ensuring that everyone has an armoury of guns at their finger tips?
          Are you not a bit concerned about school massacres like the Newtown one where 20 kids and six adults got mowed down by some mad man?
Have you become immune to this kind of thing; because it happens to often that the last thing you want is for anybody to take your most treasured toys away from you? Toys like the AR15 Bushmaster assault rifle that can spray bullets all over the place better than a hose pipe can spray water.
          Ask the Newtown survivors how effective it is?
          In spite of that killing you people are still reluctant to talk about gun control. But, as has been the case after every other similar shooting, you are doing your best to pretend there isn’t a fire arm problem in the US. It’s the mentally disturbed people, who use them that are the problem, and that’s why everybody needs a gun for protection.
         But what you don’t seem to realise is that when it comes to guns you are all in the same boat – totally mentally disturbed. And that boat is busy sinking you all, shot through with a bigger variety of bullets than you might get in any war.
          How else could you describe a nation who rushes out to buy more and more guns like the Bushmaster after a school massacre instead of saying, Enough of the killing, we must get rid of all guns.
          In this climate somebody is bound to go for the record. What will it be – 100 children with one magazine; 500 at two different schools; a thousand, two thousand who knows?
          Britain’s Pier’s Morgan couldn’t believe his ears when he led a discussion on the subject on CNN where he replaced that true blue American, talk show host Larry King two years ago.
The Biggest Pratt of all
          In Britain the cops don’t routinely carry guns and they had a mere 58 people shot last year compared with around 10 000 in the US. So it was hardly surprising that Morgan went ballistic when the appropriately named Larry Pratt, the executive director of Gun Owners of America, gave arming more people as the answer to school massacres.
          What a brilliant idea. Make Annie Get Your Gun compulsory as the theme song at every school with the motto: If you can pick it up you can learn to shoot with it.
          Richard Blumenthal, the Senator for Connecticut, the state where the latest school war zone took place, was as pathetic as everybody else. He began by telling Morgan, "There’s no single solution."

          What utter rubbish; of course there is. Ban all guns.

          The best he could come up with was "Ban assault weapons which everybody knows were designed for military purposes." Well if everybody knows this only those in a loony bin would allow everybody to buy one.
          Morgan’s expose` of the mad house that is America moved on to Texan gun shop owner and instructor Crocket Keller or should it be Killer?  He looks at school shootings as just another opportunity to sell more dangerous weapons and is offering a discount on guns to teachers with this helpful advice. "Every principal should have an AR15 in her office." Preferable one of his of course.
          That’s another great idea, so when he or she is in the toilet some deranged kid with a grudge, who forgot his own one at home, can help himself and blast away around the school.  
He'll need those guns - Top of el-Qaeda's hit list
          Our public spirited Texan wants teachers, nurses and even clergyman armed. Sterilised guns in operating theatres will be next. As he put it, "The name of the game is to have fire power equal to that of the criminals."
          Now that Morgan, a foreigner, has had the temerity to show you up for what you are Alex Jones. The Texas radio host has started a petition to have him kicked out of the country for his "hostile attack on the US Constitution." You would think it was Pearl Harbour all over again the way he’s carrying on.
          Your Bible, the Constitution stipulates in the Second Amendment that everyone has the right to bear arms.
         You would expect a radio host to know that freedom of speech comes under the First Amendment. So that’s how crazy you have all become, when somebody like this, of all people, believes that it is more important to protect gun toting, cowboys rather than free speech.
Morgan's reply
          His petition to the White House already has more than the 25 000 names required to get a response. Another petition last year showed how barmy you people have become when the White House was asked if the government had contact with aliens. They were told there was no evidence that these existed.
          It will be interesting to see what answer our insane journalist and his followers get. How about this? Our scientists have found that there is no cure for ‘mad gun disease’ other than to put down the entire population. So if Morgan has a better idea we should let him try.
          Having the British bobby unarmed has been shown to make Britain a less violent country than in places where the police have guns.
         So anybody who thinks the more guns you have the safer you are, needs his head examined.
          It’s going to be a job getting an AR15 into little Johnnie’s Christmas stocking.
Happy Shooting and a Killing New Year,
          Jon 

P.S. Ha! Ha! Deporting me is not an option. I don’t live in that land of the free of yours, so I can say what I like. 

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Little Britain - Brits are Wets now

As this was so popular I've decided to repeat it.

Dear Little Britain,
        Two television obstacle course competitions highlight unintentionally how pathetically soft you Brits have become.        
         Britain's Total Wipeout is for real wets, which they are most of the time because falling into the water is not considered a total wipeout.
         For 'health and safety' reasons no doubt, the participants wear life jackets and crash helmets as well.
        They are allowed to carry on even when they have repeatedly fallen off the obstacles in case they sue the organizers for losing their sense of self worth. They also don't get eliminated for taking forever to finish.
         It makes me shudder to think what my ancestors, who came from the Old Country when Britannia ruled the waves, would have thought had they been alive today.
       Isn’t there a law in the UK against endangering the State by revealing to the whole world just how weak your citizens have become? Has the Victoria Cross, that unsurpassed bravery award, now become obsolete?
        
        On the other hand the Japanese TV programme, appropriately entitled Ninja Warrior, is for the really courageous who you would confidently expect to win a war for you if that became necessary.
        Neither the men nor the women wear crash helmets or any kind of padding let alone lifejackets. The very varied courses are a hundred times more difficult and a lot more dangerous than  the British one and wipeout means exactly that.

       
       If you touch the water you are gone and the same applies if you can't finish within the stipulated time.
     You can understand why there’s no British Empire anymore and there’s absolutely no point in putting Great before Britain.
      Your concerned friend,
         Jon, a Ninja Warrier in training.       

P.S. When it comes to beauty if you compare the British female competitors to the Chinese ones the Brits don't even warant a  first look, let alone a second one.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

School Massacres - too late to stop them America


Disciple of Trash
Dear Americans,
         Sorry to have to tell you that you are doomed to have many more school massacres like the Newtown one. And with followers of hip hop artists like The Game, similar horrific things could easily happen all over the place.

          You know why; because you’ve lost control of the USA.

          You’ve let this 'land of the free' business get totally out of hand. There’s just not enough responsible people to be trusted with it.
          Nowhere is this more obvious than when it comes to gun ownership; the use of drugs and the abuse of free speech.
          It’s all very well saying that every citizen has the constitutional right to have a gun, as if it is needed because there is still a murderous Sioux Indian behind every bush. But when anybody can buy anything from a pistol; to an assault rifle or a bazooka as easily as they buy groceries, you are asking for trouble and of course that’s exactly what you are getting.
          In Newtown where a 20 year old boy has just slaughtered 20 kindergarten kids and six adults, we were told that Connecticut is one of the states with the strictest gun control laws in the country. CNN showed us the three guns he had presumably used; all of them legally licensed to his divorced mother.
          There were two pistols and an assault riffle with a magazine big enough to take an army full of bullets. If that’s what this mother was allowed to legally have in one of the strictest gun control states you can imagine how lax the control is in a lot of the others.
          Where did she keep them – in the broom cupboard? She was clearly not fit to own a pea shooter if her son was able to access them so easily. She learnt the hard way of course when she was the first to be taken out.
         But had your country been at all responsible perhaps nobody would have died.
Hop it Game
          Every time a killing like this happens your leaders like President Obama appear in tears saying things like, "We’ve  come together to prevent tragedies like this regardless of the politics."
          But what does he or anybody else do about introducing very strict gun control laws – absolutely nothing. The politics are everything, far more important than the children.
Any party in your country that tries to take guns away from all you gun toting, frontiersmen would be as dead as all those kids at Newtown.
          Then there’s the question of illicit drugs. On reality TV shows people openly admit to taking all kinds of illegal substances without any fear of prosecution. Film stars, who are supposed to be role models, do much the same thing.
          Now you’ve given up the fight against marihuana as various states start to legalise it. Will it soon be open season on every other drug, just because you, as nation, have become too weak to stop their use?
          The other aspect of American life that has reached a dangerous level is free speech. As a journalist I have never advocated censorship, but when this is abused in the vile and dangerous way that it is tolerated in your country it’s time to put a stop to it.
Hardly an ogre
          Michelle Malkin, 42, a blogger who has a weekly syndicated column in a number of US papers, and who contributes to Fox News dared to criticise the blasphemous cover of the Jesus Piece, The Game’s new album.
          That triggered a stream of the most crude, racialist and dangerous abuse against her on Twitter from his numerous twit fans, who clearly haven’t got a brain in their heads.
          "Fuck Michelle Malkin & her lanky faggot ass. I fucked your dad bitch," was one of them. Then there was "I’m going to rape you; Michelle wins the racist cunt of the year" and "You look like you got hit in the face with Jackie Chan’s dick."
          And Mr Game himself doesn’t seem to be making any effort to stop his fans from pillorying her in a way that could easily incite a madman to do her harm. Perhaps he’s reveling in the extra publicity.
Making money at the expense of Christians
         Not to worry, it is far more important to maintain free speech and the right for everybody to carry a gun in that country of yours, than to bother about the odd school massacre here and there. And if rapes or other killings result from the kind of inflammatory statements being made about Michelle, who cares? 
Mark my words when the next school shooting occurs the President, whoever he happens to be, will once again tell the nation how sorry he is, but nobody, absolutely nobody will fuck with the gun lobby.
Happy Christmas, especially to those legislators who are too chicken to take on the gun lovers.
          Regards
          Jon, who handed over his howitzer and machine gun to the Police years ago, even though he lives in crime, ravaged South Africa, where there could easily be a  hijacker in a tank around every corner.  

P.S. We all know what happened to the Roman Empire when the rot set in, not unlike what is happening to the US of A.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Dr Phil's misery gold mine



Dear Dr Phil,

         What’s it like making money out of other people’s misery?

         Since your TV show started 10 years ago on the back of Oprah Winfrey you have made a fortune by exposing people’s most intimate shortcomings to the world.
            You have bastardised your training as a psychiatrist by practising this with the door wide open to the world when it should be dealt with in the utmost privacy.

You said it Doc
         As a result your guests, as you like to call them, are often put through a vicious and humiliating third degree for all to see, just to make money.
Their dirty deeds and most embarrassing moments are highlighted ostensibly to improve their lives, but in reality it’s so that you and Winfrey’s Harpo Studios, the producers of your show and King World Productions that distributes it can make as much money as possible.
You do your best to surround yourself with a good deed aura. But that’s rubbish.
You and your team’s main objective is clearly to find the most sensational misfits of society so that you can have the pleasure of dissecting them purely in the interests of higher and higher viewer ratings among the ghouls of this world.
As you well know nothing beats having grown women and even men in tears in front of you, not to mention children, while you piously pretend that you are only doing this for their own good.  
The philosopher
Then you have your show’s hangers on who are also there for the money. They pick up the shattered lives that you pass on to these institutions that specialise in treating drug addicts and the rest of society’s dead beats.
If your viewers read what Wikipedia has to say about Phil McGraw, which is your real name, they will realise that the squeaky-clean image that you like to promote on TV is just a charade.
Do you remember your Shape Up weight loss products that you promoted on your show? They were supposed to contain scientifically researched ingredients that could help people change their behaviour to control their weight. The research was so scientific that when the Federal Trade Commission started investigating these wonderful claims you took the product off the market.
Did you only get real, as you always tell everybody else, when you were pushed?
And what about the time you, as the kind hearted Dr Phil, visited singer Britney Spears in hospital after she was admitted because, like a lot of stars, life in the limelight had got too much for her? You were slammed by her family for betraying her trust by making public statements about her condition.
Family First was one of your best selling books. I haven’t read it but I would be interested to know, Did you ‘get real’ in that? Does it mention anything about your first wife, who you divorced?
We see the points Jay
As you know a biography written about you by two journalists accused you of being abusive to her and your staff.
Is it right that you have always been an outspoken critic of pornography? If so you didn’t get real when you were the best man at the wedding of your eldest son Jay when he got hitched to Erica Dahm, one of Playboy’s famous triplets.
You don’t get into Playboy magazine without stripping down to nothing for all to see in much the same way that you strip so many of your guests of every bit of dignity.
Get real Dr Phil your show is similar to pornography in that it is designed to shock and titillate by exposing other people’s dubious morals.

Porno? No just the Dahm sister's
But who cares as long as you are making money.

I see that in one year you reached number 22 in the Forbes Celebrity 100 list with an income of $45-million.
Not a bad return from other people’s misery. But how real is that?

Regards,
Jon, a hypochondriac, who has been married five times; has had four failed businesses and who could easily become a drug addict, but who still believes he is qualified to give psychiatric advice to anyone who cares to listen.
P.S. One of your favourite sayings is: "I'm not here to put you under the bus." Then you do just that.
        

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Lance Armstrong - so evil he gave cancer a bad name



A convincing liar
Dear Cyclists,
          Armstrong and Marion Jones were two US cheating Greats with a difference.
          Was it because Jones was Black and Armstrong was White with a much bigger sporting profile that she got crucified at the same time that he was clocking up win after win in the Tour de France regardless of the mounting evidence that he was a crook?
          No, that couldn’t be. Not in the good old US of A where everybody is treated equally.
          There is no question of course that they were both cheats. 
          Jones, a huge track and field star at the age of 25, who won five medals at the Summer Olympics in Sydney in 2000 including gold in the 100 and 200m, has already paid her dues.
          So now that our peddling Lance has finally been exposed for what he was - the Mafia-like boss of the biggest doping scandal in sporting history - it will be interesting to see if he gets anything like an appropriate punishment.
On the face of it she was a na├»ve girl who was provided with undetectable designer steroids by her coach and it didn’t help that her shot putter husband at the time was also into performance enhancing drugs.
In 2007 Marion’s conscience got the better of her. She admitted to taking steroids before the Sydney Games and that she had previously lied when she denied this to the press, various sports agencies and most significantly to two grand juries.
She forfeited all her medals; accepted a two year suspension from athletics before announcing her retirement. Then she was jailed for six months for lying under oath to American federal agents.
Unlike our cycling Great she was unbelievably contrite and broke down in tears when she spoke openly on TV about her shame.
Me take drugs- never
But so far 41 year old Lance has admitted nothing. He seems to think that he can go on with his life as a crusader for the cancer cause and all his millions of admirers around the world will continue to worship the Armstrong name.
There was no chance of granite faced Lance bursting into tears when the US Anti Doping Agency announced that the evidence was overwhelming that he was at the heart of the most sophisticated, professionalised and successful doping programme that sport has ever seen.
He was stripped of his record seven Tour de France titles after members of his US Postal Services team ratted on him.
His only reaction to USADA’s announcement was typical of the man who had been lying under oath for years and swindling his way to one yellow jersey after another. He Tweeted: What am I doing tonight. Hanging with my family unaffected.
US Federal agents investigated Lance for 18 months before closing their probe without filing charges. At the time was he, unlike Black Marion, White and too big a fish to fry?
Will anything at last be done after USADA’s damning report?
Not only had Lance cheated his way to all those cycling titles he has also defrauded his sponsors like Nike, Trek bikes, 24-Hour Fitness Clubs, brewer Anheuser-Busch and Honey Stinger products who paid millions to use his name.
The gall of the man, who will always be going down hill from now on, was such that at an inquiry, where he denied doping, he said, If you have a doping offence or you test positive, it goes without saying that you’re fired from all your contracts.
So surely the millions he got from sponsors over the years was money obtained by false pretences, a crime that has put many people behind bars.
And what about lying under oath? If Marion got six months for this how many times has Lance sat there with his fingers crossed telling a pack of lies. But is he still too big to be jailed for this?
Only for medical purpose perhaps
Now that Lance has been exposed as a champion of just about everything that is bad can we believe that he ever had cancer? If his ingenuity was such that he could con his way passed 500 dope tests, couldn’t he have also staged his testicular cancer as a smoke screen for what was to follow.
He was diagnosed and supposedly cured of this life threatening disease before any of his Tour de France wins. Being the man who had conquered cancer and then gone on to win the greatest race in cycling just added to his cult, hero status.
Nobody would possible believe that he could be a cheat especially as Livestrong; the charity he founded had raised millions for cancer research.

Two witnesses who were present when he was diagnosed with cancer at the Indiana University Hospital gave evidence to investigators that he told the doctor about all the drugs he had been taking such as growth hormones, steroids and blood boosting EPO’s, which were undetectable at the time. Lance subsequently denied ever saying this.
Bye-bye Lance
But two days after the witnesses gave sworn statements $1.5-million was given to the University by the Lance Armstrong Foundation for a chair in oncology in honour of the doctor who treated Armstrong.
He was adept at giving donations at strategic times. He and his company even gave $1.25-million to the International Cycling Union, whose job it is to police cycling, to fund the fight against doping. Hush money perhaps?
Everything smells about the life of the man who took every one for a ride. And while he wasn’t the first person to give cycling a bad name we now know one thing for sure: he was the only man in history who was so evil he GAVE CANCER A BAD NAME.
Yours faithfully,
Jon, who has always thought that it’s hard enough to remain upright on two wheels, without being bombed up to the eyeballs on a cocktail of drugs.


Thursday, October 11, 2012

Lin Sampson out bitching herself



Dear Lin Sampson,
         I hope you’re happy with your slaughter of the innocent.
         To say your attack on a 17 year old school girl’s matric, dance dress was totally over the top and unwarranted would be a lie – it was far worse than that.
         Her story was about her enterprise and ingenuity in getting South Africa’s Olympic swimming, gold medallist Chad le Clos to be her date at her school’s matric dance. As you know she did this by holding up an invitation placard in the crowd that was at Johannesburg’s airport to welcome athletes returning from the Olympics.
         But you chose to do your utmost to take the gloss off what was a particularly momentous occasion for any school girl, by belittle her in the meanest possible way. And you were aided and abetted by Nadine Dreyer, the Editor of the Sunday Times Lifestyle Magazine, who allowed your vile venom to appear in print.
         Your article came across as some kind of warped revenge for what happened to you 50 or was it a 100 years ago at your own matric dance.
         You told us you designed your dress yourself based on one you saw in Vogue and it made you look like a Voortrekker wagon.
         Well judging by the only picture of you that I could find on the internet very little has changed. You still look like a Voortrekker wagon only now your wheels have come off and it would take more than a team of oxen to pull you up again.
         Looking such a mess your bitchy ranting about the dress style of others can’t have any validity at all, let alone what the Sunday Times seems to give it.
         If the way you looked for your own school dance made your father cry, hopefully he’s not around to see you now. You say you got drunk and was only allowed back to write your matric exam.
         It was the first forbidding presence of recklessness that would define my life and it started with an ill-starred frock, you wrote.
         So we can blame all your reckless, trashy sniping at the world on that ill-starred frock.  
         No wonder you had to look for the snidest remarks available in your book in an effort to destroy Melanie Olhaus’ special occasion that was so very different to yours.
You began, OK so the dress was wrong. Anyone could see that, as if this was an established fact, not your warped opinion.
Surely your murderous pen could have done better than to describe her dress as a bit like a Swiss cheese; a hole where you expect cheese.  Or it looked a bit like a bathing suit that Ester Williams, a 50’s swimming star might have worn – in the pool and it was little more than an animated rag.


Lin on Cape Town Fashion Week
         And when you ran out of your own store of bitchy remarks you quoted an anonymous colleague, who I don’t believe exists, as saying It doesn’t fit.
         You had a field day lambasting Melanie’s dress and evidently just as much fun knocking Jan Gert Coetzee, the celebrity designer who produced it.
         One of his greatest crimes, apart from the one that appeared on Melanie, was evidently having designed a dress for one of the Kardashian sisters.
         In your eyes that made him a warrior of the junk genre de jour, of reality TV, of people who are famous for being famous (whatever that means), people who are not famous at all but think they are.   Not content with that slap down you continued with your insults by saying, With his platinum curls and sweet lips, he has a terminal case of celebriphilia.
         Your idea of how Melanie should have looked was for her to have had a simple hair style as her hair augmented with extensions gave the appearance of boiling over. So she didn’t even get that right in your expert opinion.
         Her dress you believed should have been a chic contemporary outfit in soft flamingo silk, an ivory and rose cardigan, and a swathe of seed pearls.
         Don’t tell me you saw that in Vogue as well.


'Sunday Times & the Art of Fiction' by Mathew Blackman
         Didn’t you once say that you had your first reporting job with the News of the World? Well look how far trashing the lives of the famous for trashing’s sake, just to increase circulation, got that rag.
         I can’t resist asking if you had had too much to drink when that rare photograph of you was taken because if you hadn’t been drinking you have absolutely no excuse.
         I would crucify the photographer in you next article, if I was you, because he certainly didn’t take you from your best side - if you’ve got one.
         Regards,
         Jon, Chairman of the Protect Our Children from Predatory Journalists Society.


Sunday, October 7, 2012

Cape Town's Tourist Dump

Dear Cape Town City Counsellors,
           How about coming round to my dump next week for a cocktail party? You would all be very welcome especially you guys from the Democratic Alliance now that you are running the show after the African National Congress made such a mess of things when it was their turn.
          Let’s make it on Monday at 6.00 pm for 10.00 pm. Sorry for this short notice but I wanted you to come when the entrance to the suburb where I live is looking its best. It wouldn’t be truthful to say it’s blooming although it is very colourful.
          I’m convinced you’ll agree with me when you come that even the scent of the flowers at Kirstenbosch Botanic Gardens doesn’t compare with the aroma at my place.
          There’ll be plenty to drink and snacks for Africa. The money’s coming out of our  Housing Fund because us residents agreed unanimously, after several protest marches, that it was more important to get you councilors here at least once every 10 years than having more houses. You can then see the enormous progress that is being made right under your noses.
          To make the event as much fun as possible all I ask is that you bring a plastic, rubbish bag. You can bring more than one if you are totally committed to that greening the earth thing. As soon as you arrive I will organise you into teams. But don’t not come for fear that I will mix DAs with ANCs because nothing like that’s going to happen.
          The wining team will be rewarded with double the amount of wine of that consumed by the rest of you in keeping with the true Cape tradition.
          Oh sorry I forgot the most important thing. At my age, born at the time of the great rinderpest plague, my brain goes off-line a bit more often than when I was two. You’ll be please to hear that it’s nothing onerous. All you have to do is fill up as many bags as you can with rubbish in the four hours between six and 10.
          You won’t have to go far to find it. There’s stacks at Masiphumelele (Masi to its friends) where I and my family have lived in the same conditions since 1895. If you’ve never been here, not to worry. All you do is drive along Kommetjie Road from the Fish Hoek direction and when you see huge piles of household refuse on the righthand side of the road that's where you'll find me. It's a well known landmark. 
          No end of tourists in those great big coaches and in their hired cars have remarked that this view has been one of the highlights of their visit to Cape Town because they’ve never seen anything like it. As you might know they have to pass it on their way to Cape Point.
          It’s just as well that Sir Francis Drake is no longer around otherwise he would have had to revise his opinion about this being the fairest Cape in all Christendom. I think that’s what he said although it was a bit before my time. Or was it that Vasco da Gama chap? No he didn't speak English did he?
          Anyway I hope you’ll all do the good deed thing and attend the party and enter into the spirit of the evening. I’m really getting sick and tired of my friends and relatives constantly saying, Are you still living in that dump?
          Drunkenly yours,
          Jon

*According to the False Bay Echo the head of the City Council's cleaning department, Claire McKinnon says the complaints are a lot of rubbish because the mess in Masi is the fault of the residents. She says it's civil disobediance as every resident has access to a weekly refuse collection via bins or free bags. So there!