Thursday, November 24, 2011

Silensing the people - draconian new law

Dear President Jacob Zuma,
         If you take off your dark glasses for a moment you’ll see that it’s only a very small section of the population that believes you should change your spots. They’re barking up the wrong tree completely when they run down your brilliant idea to change South Africa’s national coat of arms to something more meaningful.
         With that in mind I’ve attached a few ideas that could form the basis of the new design. These are so appropriate in a view of the modern direction in which you are leading our country with your see no evil, hear no evil and speak no evil legislation.
         The one with bananas is very much in keeping with African culture that has spawned so many of those wonderful banana republics that have all adopted this approach.
        Enough of the praise.  I thought you should know that I’ve come across something of great national importance to South Africa. It’s something that could ---- your Government sky high.
         It concerns a ----- of well ------- , well ----- people who are hell bent on ---------- our country.
         I’m not talking about the usual Government officials who are busy ---------- their nests with the tax payers help and your ----- ing. No, this is a lot more serious than that.
         But thank goodness your Government has ensured that I can’t talk about these things. I didn’t even mention it to my four wives and ten children.
         They’ve kept secrets before but I couldn’t trust them with this one. After all who wants to spend 20 years in one of our overcrowded jails now that you have very wisely outlawed loose talk with your Protection of State Information Bill?
         That sort of thing only alarms everybody and gives people the ----- idea about our leaders.
         In the past anybody who had stumbled on the kind of information I’m not talking about would have rushed to some newspaper or TV channel and then it would have been all over the place.
         Now, thank goodness, all we are going to get is the good news. It’s so much more uplifting than the kind of thing I’m not talking about.
         Shutting up whistleblowers is long overdue. All they do is tell lies, disturb the neighbourhood and wake babies. So that’s another service you have done for our country Jacob.
         And if anybody knows what hell it can be when somebody wakes the little ones, it’s you. I’m not sure if I’m allowed to mention how many you’ve got or whether that’s now classified. But don’t worry I’m not taking any chances.
         Don’t let those depressed Western Nations try and tell you that preventing people from blabbing about all our secrets will do irreparable harm to our country. Look where that policy has got them.
         In Britain for instance, if you were a celebrity or somebody else in the public eye you couldn’t even fart in private without it making headlines somewhere or other. So it looks as though they will soon be coming round to your way of thinking.
         And if Joseph Stalin and the rest of that Commy mob could successfully keep the Soviet Union going for all those years there can’t be much wrong with this closed mouth policy of yours. If it does nothing else my neighbour will think twice about telling everybody what he thinks I’m doing with the girl down the road, when it’s a figment of his imagination.
         I hope, Mr President that you are going to have enough secret police to back up this new legislation. Why not do what the Russians did and get everybody to spy on everybody else.
         My mistake. That won’t work. In such a law abiding country as ours nobody will ever talk about these things once there’s a law against it. They are too patriotic to do anything that would endanger the security of the State.
        And you and your Government are shining examples of this kind of thinking.        
        As you rightly surmised, all our people needed was a good, healthy Act of Parliament to spell it out for them.
         Thanks for your foresight Mr President.
         Yours faithfully,
P.S. I badly need coaching from one of your advisers just to make sure that I don’t end up being WANTED. 


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