World Scoop:What President Zuma whispered to the Blonde

Dear Readers,

Dressed to kill

         This is a world scoop? My sources have just revealed what the Media hasn’t even touched upon. Is this what you are not supposed to know?

         It’s what President Zuma, South Africa’s Number One ladies man, who has four wives, whispered to blonde bombshell Bronwyn Nielsen.       

         Today the business section of the Johannesburg based The Times carried this picture headed, Passing Comment: President Jacob Zuma whispers to CNBC Africa presenter Bronwyn Nielsen at the annual meeting of the World Economic Forum in Davos yesterday.



        

Funny Business?

           As you can see the photographer caught this touching moment brilliantly and many of you would surely have wanted to know what he whispered that was so hush, hush.

         Was it business as usually or something more important?  Hopefully I won’t be breaking any state secrecy laws if I now reveal what he said.

         Yours faithfully,

         Jon, who believes in telling you what you are not supposed to know.

         

Mulholland's Gay Bashing & the Catholic Church

Dear Steve Mulholland,

         I see your This is the business column in the Sunday Times has now become a family advice bureau aimed specifically at gay parents and the promotion of the Catholic ideology.

Of course they should tell their children that their relationship is neither the norm nor ultimately desirable.

         But would this sound advice help little Johnnie when it comes to explaining to his class mates that he has two fathers or mothers when everybody else has one?

         What advice do you have for mixed parents, one White and one Black? Should they tell their children how unnatural this is?

         These kinds of permutations are endless.

         You have certainly stirred up the gay lobby. You tried to make your point as tactfully as possible, but when you mentioned you were Catholic you opened a much bigger can of gays.

         As you said the US is gradually recognising gay marriages notwithstanding the powerful opposition of the Catholic Church.

         That’s hypocrisy with a capital P. Your church has never recognised marriage of any kind within its priesthood.



Kissing men evidently has your blessing Your Holiness

         Perhaps in your next column you could tell Pope Benedict XVI that what so many of his priests get up to is neither the norm nor ultimately desirable.

         By not allowing priests or Fathers as they are affectionate called to marry your church has produced thousands of hot house gays.

         These undesirables have gained the confidence of communities in the name of God, with the full backing of the Catholic Church that has stood idly by when children’s lives have been ruined for ever. Choir boys have their backs to the wall in churches everywhere.

         And those priests who want a bit of variety have taken their Father title too literally with choir girls and even mothers in their flock.

         This is the business in your church that has been so lax in doing something about it. It has certainly ensured that we now all know the meaning of Cardinal Sin.



A kiss to build a marriage on

         The preservation of the species suggests that instructing children that same-sex matrimony is the same as that of heterosexuals flies in the face of reason, you told us.

         What possible reason could there be for continuing to insist that priests and nuns remain celibate, especially as the Roman (or is it Roamin?) Catholic Church is the largest Christian Church in the world with more than a billion members.

         Isn’t that contrary to the natural law, which is the reason the one true church founded by Jesus Christ gives for its anti-gay stance. This is even more peculiar when one thinks of what a bad name this policy has consistently given the church.  

         Your recent column raises two journalistic issues. Should a columnist  use the space allocated to him to push the views of his own religion? And secondly what are you doing knocking gays in the Business Section of the Sunday Times?

         Surely you were expected to write about business, not anything that comes to mind.

         The Sunday Times has psychologist Judith Ancer, who writes a column every week telling us how to treat our children. So did it need another one in the Business Section?

         I have complained before that the really queer business is that the paper gives its columnists mandates, but doesn’t make them stick to them.

         Regards,

         Jon, who always bends over to please everybody.
P.S. Steve when you are next in Rome can you ask His Holiness if, when giving a Papal Kiss, you should stick your tougue out or keep it in?

Gun Mad American Pratts

Traitor Morgan

Dear Americans,

         Are you all going stark, staring mad? Have you lost your marbles completely? Are you hell bent on committing national suicide by ensuring that everyone has an armoury of guns at their finger tips?

          Are you not a bit concerned about school massacres like the Newtown one where 20 kids and six adults got mowed down by some mad man?

Have you become immune to this kind of thing; because it happens to often that the last thing you want is for anybody to take your most treasured toys away from you? Toys like the AR15 Bushmaster assault rifle that can spray bullets all over the place better than a hose pipe can spray water.

          Ask the Newtown survivors how effective it is?

          In spite of that killing you people are still reluctant to talk about gun control. But, as has been the case after every other similar shooting, you are doing your best to pretend there isn’t a fire arm problem in the US. It’s the mentally disturbed people, who use them that are the problem, and that’s why everybody needs a gun for protection.

         But what you don’t seem to realise is that when it comes to guns you are all in the same boat – totally mentally disturbed. And that boat is busy sinking you all, shot through with a bigger variety of bullets than you might get in any war.

          How else could you describe a nation who rushes out to buy more and more guns like the Bushmaster after a school massacre instead of saying, Enough of the killing, we must get rid of all guns.

          In this climate somebody is bound to go for the record. What will it be – 100 children with one magazine; 500 at two different schools; a thousand, two thousand who knows?

          Britain’s Pier’s Morgan couldn’t believe his ears when he led a discussion on the subject on CNN where he replaced that true blue American, talk show host Larry King two years ago.

The Biggest Pratt of all

          In Britain the cops don’t routinely carry guns and they had a mere 58 people shot last year compared with around 10 000 in the US. So it was hardly surprising that Morgan went ballistic when the appropriately named Larry Pratt, the executive director of Gun Owners of America, gave arming more people as the answer to school massacres.

          What a brilliant idea. Make Annie Get Your Gun compulsory as the theme song at every school with the motto: If you can pick it up you can learn to shoot with it.

          Richard Blumenthal, the Senator for Connecticut, the state where the latest school war zone took place, was as pathetic as everybody else. He began by telling Morgan, "There’s no single solution."

          What utter rubbish; of course there is. Ban all guns.

          The best he could come up with was "Ban assault weapons which everybody knows were designed for military purposes." Well if everybody knows this only those in a loony bin would allow everybody to buy one.

          Morgan’s expose` of the mad house that is America moved on to Texan gun shop owner and instructor Crocket Keller or should it be Killer?  He looks at school shootings as just another opportunity to sell more dangerous weapons and is offering a discount on guns to teachers with this helpful advice. "Every principal should have an AR15 in her office." Preferable one of his of course.

          That’s another great idea, so when he or she is in the toilet some deranged kid with a grudge, who forgot his own one at home, can help himself and blast away around the school.  

He'll need those guns - Top of el-Qaeda's hit list

          Our public spirited Texan wants teachers, nurses and even clergyman armed. Sterilised guns in operating theatres will be next. As he put it, "The name of the game is to have fire power equal to that of the criminals."

          Now that Morgan, a foreigner, has had the temerity to show you up for what you are Alex Jones. The Texas radio host has started a petition to have him kicked out of the country for his "hostile attack on the US Constitution." You would think it was Pearl Harbour all over again the way he’s carrying on.

          Your Bible, the Constitution stipulates in the Second Amendment that everyone has the right to bear arms.

         You would expect a radio host to know that freedom of speech comes under the First Amendment. So that’s how crazy you have all become, when somebody like this, of all people, believes that it is more important to protect gun toting, cowboys rather than free speech.

Morgan's reply

          His petition to the White House already has more than the 25 000 names required to get a response. Another petition last year showed how barmy you people have become when the White House was asked if the government had contact with aliens. They were told there was no evidence that these existed.

          It will be interesting to see what answer our insane journalist and his followers get. How about this? Our scientists have found that there is no cure for ‘mad gun disease’ other than to put down the entire population. So if Morgan has a better idea we should let him try.

          Having the British bobby unarmed has been shown to make Britain a less violent country than in places where the police have guns.

         So anybody who thinks the more guns you have the safer you are, needs his head examined.

          It’s going to be a job getting an AR15 into little Johnnie’s Christmas stocking.

Happy Shooting and a Killing New Year,

          Jon 

P.S. Ha! Ha! Deporting me is not an option. I don’t live in that land of the free of yours, so I can say what I like. 

Little Britain - Brits are Wets now

As this was so popular I've decided to repeat it.

Dear Little Britain,
        Two television obstacle course competitions highlight unintentionally how pathetically soft you Brits have become.        

         Britain's Total Wipeout is for real wets, which they are most of the time because falling into the water is not considered a total wipeout.
         For 'health and safety' reasons no doubt, the participants wear life jackets and crash helmets as well.
        They are allowed to carry on even when they have repeatedly fallen off the obstacles in case they sue the organizers for losing their sense of self worth. They also don't get eliminated for taking forever to finish.
         It makes me shudder to think what my ancestors, who came from the Old Country when Britannia ruled the waves, would have thought had they been alive today.

       Isn’t there a law in the UK against endangering the State by revealing to the whole world just how weak your citizens have become? Has the Victoria Cross, that unsurpassed bravery award, now become obsolete?

        
        On the other hand the Japanese TV programme, appropriately entitled Ninja Warrior, is for the really courageous who you would confidently expect to win a war for you if that became necessary.
        Neither the men nor the women wear crash helmets or any kind of padding let alone lifejackets. The very varied courses are a hundred times more difficult and a lot more dangerous than  the British one and wipeout means exactly that.

       
       If you touch the water you are gone and the same applies if you can't finish within the stipulated time.

     You can understand why there’s no British Empire anymore and there’s absolutely no point in putting Great before Britain.
      Your concerned friend,
         Jon, a Ninja Warrier in training.       

P.S. When it comes to beauty if you compare the British female competitors to the Chinese ones the Brits don't even warant a  first look, let alone a second one.

School Massacres - too late to stop them America

Disciple of Trash

Dear Americans,

         Sorry to have to tell you that you are doomed to have many more school massacres like the Newtown one. And with followers of hip hop artists like The Game, similar horrific things could easily happen all over the place.

          You know why; because you’ve lost control of the USA.

          You’ve let this 'land of the free' business get totally out of hand. There’s just not enough responsible people to be trusted with it.

          Nowhere is this more obvious than when it comes to gun ownership; the use of drugs and the abuse of free speech.

          It’s all very well saying that every citizen has the constitutional right to have a gun, as if it is needed because there is still a murderous Sioux Indian behind every bush. But when anybody can buy anything from a pistol; to an assault rifle or a bazooka as easily as they buy groceries, you are asking for trouble and of course that’s exactly what you are getting.

          In Newtown where a 20 year old boy has just slaughtered 20 kindergarten kids and six adults, we were told that Connecticut is one of the states with the strictest gun control laws in the country. CNN showed us the three guns he had presumably used; all of them legally licensed to his divorced mother.

          There were two pistols and an assault riffle with a magazine big enough to take an army full of bullets. If that’s what this mother was allowed to legally have in one of the strictest gun control states you can imagine how lax the control is in a lot of the others.

          Where did she keep them – in the broom cupboard? She was clearly not fit to own a pea shooter if her son was able to access them so easily. She learnt the hard way of course when she was the first to be taken out.

         But had your country been at all responsible perhaps nobody would have died.

Hop it Game

          Every time a killing like this happens your leaders like President Obama appear in tears saying things like, "We’ve come together to prevent tragedies like this regardless of the politics."

          But what does he or anybody else do about introducing very strict gun control laws – absolutely nothing. The politics are everything, far more important than the children.

Any party in your country that tries to take guns away from all you gun toting, frontiersmen would be as dead as all those kids at Newtown.

          Then there’s the question of illicit drugs. On reality TV shows people openly admit to taking all kinds of illegal substances without any fear of prosecution. Film stars, who are supposed to be role models, do much the same thing.

          Now you’ve given up the fight against marihuana as various states start to legalise it. Will it soon be open season on every other drug, just because you, as nation, have become too weak to stop their use?

          The other aspect of American life that has reached a dangerous level is free speech. As a journalist I have never advocated censorship, but when this is abused in the vile and dangerous way that it is tolerated in your country it’s time to put a stop to it.

Hardly an ogre

          Michelle Malkin, 42, a blogger who has a weekly syndicated column in a number of US papers, and who contributes to Fox News dared to criticise the blasphemous cover of the Jesus Piece, The Game’s new album.

          That triggered a stream of the most crude, racialist and dangerous abuse against her on Twitter from his numerous twit fans, who clearly haven’t got a brain in their heads.

        "Fuck Michelle Malkin & her lanky faggot ass. I fucked your dad bitch,"was one of them. Then there was "I’m going to rape you; Michelle wins the racist cunt of the year" and "You look like you got hit in the face with Jackie Chan’s dick."

          And Mr Game himself doesn’t seem to be making any effort to stop his fans from pillorying her in a way that could easily incite a madman to do her harm. Perhaps he’s reveling in the extra publicity.

Making money at the expense of Christians

         Not to worry, it is far more important to maintain free speech and the right for everybody to carry a gun in that country of yours, than to bother about the odd school massacre here and there. And if rapes or other killings result from the kind of inflammatory statements being made about Michelle, who cares? 

Mark my words when the next school shooting occurs the President, whoever he happens to be, will once again tell the nation how sorry he is, but nobody, absolutely nobody will fuck with the gun lobby.
Happy Christmas, especially to those legislators who are too chicken to take on the gun lovers.

          Regards

          Jon, who handed over his howitzer and machine gun to the Police years ago, even though he lives in crime, ravaged South Africa, where there could easily be a  hijacker in a tank around every corner.  

P.S. We all know what happened to the Roman Empire when the rot set in, not unlike what is happening to the US of A.

Dr Phil's misery gold mine

Dear Dr Phil,

         What’s it like making money out of other people’s misery?

         Since your TV show started 10 years ago on the back of Oprah Winfrey you have made a fortune by exposing people’s most intimate shortcomings to the world.

            You have bastardised your training as a psychiatrist by practising this with the door wide open to the world when it should be dealt with in the utmost privacy.



You said it Doc

         As a result your guests, as you like to call them, are often put through a vicious and humiliating third degree for all to see, just to make money.

Their dirty deeds and most embarrassing moments are highlighted ostensibly to improve their lives, but in reality it’s so that you and Winfrey’s Harpo Studios, the producers of your show and King World Productions that distributes it can make as much money as possible.

You do your best to surround yourself with a good deed aura. But that’s rubbish.

You and your team’s main objective is clearly to find the most sensational misfits of society so that you can have the pleasure of dissecting them purely in the interests of higher and higher viewer ratings among the ghouls of this world.

As you well know nothing beats having grown women and even men in tears in front of you, not to mention children, while you piously pretend that you are only doing this for their own good.  

The philosopher

Then you have your show’s hangers on who are also there for the money. They pick up the shattered lives that you pass on to these institutions that specialise in treating drug addicts and the rest of society’s dead beats.

If your viewers read what Wikipedia has to say about Phil McGraw, which is your real name, they will realise that the squeaky-clean image that you like to promote on TV is just a charade.

Do you remember your Shape Up weight loss products that you promoted on your show? They were supposed to contain "scientifically researched ingredients that could help people change their behaviour to control their weight." The research was so scientific that when the Federal Trade Commission started investigating these wonderful claims you took the product off the market.

Did you only get real, as you always tell everybody else, when you were pushed?

And what about the time you, as the kind hearted Dr Phil, visited singer Britney Spears in hospital after she was admitted because, like a lot of stars, life in the limelight had got too much for her? You were slammed by her family for betraying her trust by making public statements about her condition.

Family First was one of your best selling books. I haven’t read it but I would be interested to know, Did you 'get real' in that? Does it mention anything about your first wife, who you divorced?

We see the points Jay

As you know a biography written about you by two journalists accused you of being abusive to her and your staff.

Is it right that you have always been an outspoken critic of pornography? If so you didn’t get real when you were the best man at the wedding of your eldest son Jay when he got hitched to Erica Dahm, one of Playboy’s famous triplets.

You don’t get into Playboy magazine without stripping down to nothing for all to see in much the same way that you strip so many of your guests of every bit of dignity.

Get real Dr Phil your show is similar to pornography in that it is designed to shock and titillate by exposing other people’s dubious morals.

Porno? No just the Dahm sister's

But who cares as long as you are making money.

I see that in one year you reached number 22 in the Forbes Celebrity 100 list with an income of $45-million.

Not a bad return from other people’s misery. But how real is that?

Regards,

Jon, a hypochondriac, who has been married five times; has had four failed businesses and who could easily become a drug addict, but who still believes he is qualified to give psychiatric advice to anyone who cares to listen.
P.S. One of your favourite sayings is: "I'm not here to put you under the bus." Then you do just that.

        

Lance Armstrong - so evil he gave cancer a bad name

A convincing liar

Dear Cyclists,

          Armstrong and Marion Jones were two US cheating Greats with a difference.

          Was it because Jones was Black and Armstrong was White with a much bigger sporting profile that she got crucified at the same time that he was clocking up win after win in the Tour de France regardless of the mounting evidence that he was a crook?

          No, that couldn’t be. Not in the good old US of A where everybody is treated equally.

          There is no question of course that they were both cheats. 

          Jones, a huge track and field star at the age of 25, who won five medals at the Summer Olympics in Sydney in 2000 including gold in the 100 and 200m, has already paid her dues.

          So now that our peddling Lance has finally been exposed for what he was - the Mafia-like boss of the biggest doping scandal in sporting history - it will be interesting to see if he gets anything like an appropriate punishment.

On the face of it she was a naïve girl who was provided with undetectable designer steroids by her coach and it didn’t help that her shot putter husband at the time was also into performance enhancing drugs.

In 2007 Marion’s conscience got the better of her. She admitted to taking steroids before the Sydney Games and that she had previously lied when she denied this to the press, various sports agencies and most significantly to two grand juries.

She forfeited all her medals; accepted a two year suspension from athletics before announcing her retirement. Then she was jailed for six months for lying under oath to American federal agents.

Unlike our cycling Great she was unbelievably contrite and broke down in tears when she spoke openly on TV about her shame.

Me take drugs- never

But so far 41 year old Lance has admitted nothing. He seems to think that he can go on with his life as a crusader for the cancer cause and all his millions of admirers around the world will continue to worship the Armstrong name.

There was no chance of granite faced Lance bursting into tears when the US Anti Doping Agency announced that the evidence was overwhelming that he was at the heart of the most sophisticated, professionalised and successful doping programme that sport has ever seen.

He was stripped of his record seven Tour de France titles after members of his US Postal Services team ratted on him.

His only reaction to USADA’s announcement was typical of the man who had been lying under oath for years and swindling his way to one yellow jersey after another. He Tweeted: What am I doing tonight. Hanging with my family unaffected.

US Federal agents investigated Lance for 18 months before closing their probe without filing charges. At the time was he, unlike Black Marion, White and too big a fish to fry?

Will anything at last be done after USADA’s damning report?

Not only had Lance cheated his way to all those cycling titles he has also defrauded his sponsors like Nike, Trek bikes, 24-Hour Fitness Clubs, brewer Anheuser-Busch and Honey Stinger products who paid millions to use his name.

The gall of the man, who will always be going down hill from now on, was such that at an inquiry, where he denied doping, he said, If you have a doping offence or you test positive, it goes without saying that you’re fired from all your contracts.

So surely the millions he got from sponsors over the years was money obtained by false pretences, a crime that has put many people behind bars.

And what about lying under oath? If Marion got six months for this how many times has Lance sat there with his fingers crossed telling a pack of lies. But is he still too big to be jailed for this?

Only for medical purpose perhaps

Now that Lance has been exposed as a champion of just about everything that is bad can we believe that he ever had cancer? If his ingenuity was such that he could con his way passed 500 dope tests, couldn’t he have also staged his testicular cancer as a smoke screen for what was to follow.

He was diagnosed and supposedly cured of this life threatening disease before any of his Tour de France wins. Being the man who had conquered cancer and then gone on to win the greatest race in cycling just added to his cult, hero status.

Nobody would possible believe that he could be a cheat especially as Livestrong; the charity he founded had raised millions for cancer research.

Two witnesses who were present when he was diagnosed with cancer at the Indiana University Hospital gave evidence to investigators that he told the doctor about all the drugs he had been taking such as growth hormones, steroids and blood boosting EPO’s, which were undetectable at the time. Lance subsequently denied ever saying this.

Bye-bye Lance

But two days after the witnesses gave sworn statements $1.5-million was given to the University by the Lance Armstrong Foundation for a chair in oncology in honour of the doctor who treated Armstrong.

He was adept at giving donations at strategic times. He and his company even gave $1.25-million to the International Cycling Union, whose job it is to police cycling, to fund the fight against doping. Hush money perhaps?

Everything smells about the life of the man who took every one for a ride. And while he wasn’t the first person to give cycling a bad name we now know one thing for sure: he was the only man in history who was so evil he GAVE CANCER A BAD NAME.

Yours faithfully,

Jon, who has always thought that it’s hard enough to remain upright on two wheels, without being bombed up to the eyeballs on a cocktail of drugs.