For those who have the same warped sense of humour this Letter can also be had in French.
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Saturday, April 7, 2012
Augusta, Champion Chauvenist Pig
Too many fingers for that sign
Dear Silly Billy Chairman of Augusta National Golf Course,
Oops, sorry I’m behaving like a
I got the spelling of your name wrong but not the meaning. It’s BillyPayne isn’t it?
I’m sure you’ll agree with me that
things have hit a depressing low in America when women
don’t know their place in the land of the free.
You would think Virginia
‘Ginni’ Rometty (now known as ‘Uppity’ Rometty) would have known better than to
complicate your life by becoming IBM’s first woman Chief Executive shortly
before this year’s Master’s tournament began at your club.
To make matters
worse she’s a beautiful, dizzy blonde. She’s got brains as well and no man
Has the woman no shame? Just because IBM has been one of the main sponsors of the Master’s does she now think that she can become the first
woman member of your club?
Everything was fine as long as there was a man at
the helm of IMB. But nearly 80 years of chauvinist
pigtradition wouldbe for nothing if you were to allow Ginni to break the
spell at your stuffy club.
It just wouldn’t do old boy. We’ve
never allowed them to become members before and there’s no reason to start now.
It must be satisfying to head an exclusive clan
that was founded on solid grounds of good, old fashioned prejudice aptly put
into words by your co-founder Clifford Roberts
when he said,As
long as I’m alive golferswill be white and caddies black.
That’s only right. You couldn’t have Whites
carrying those heavy bags could you?
It took 48 years
abolished the rule that players had to use the club’s Black
Women and Blacks are in the same inferior category presumably.
How long is it going to take you
and your members to hum and haw before you let women in? No wonder you don’t
want to talk about it.
Billy I hope you and the rest
of your 300 odd members haven’t got one of these
unacceptable females or even worse a Black
woman at home as a wife?
Wait a minute I see Bill
Gates and Warren Buffett, two of the
world’s richest men are on your member’s list. How do theirwives Belinda and Susan feel about
being stamped second class citizens by the Augusta Golf Classification Board?
It’s ridiculous to think what a fuss you Yanks kicked up about South Africa’s apartheid regime that kept the Blacks very much subservient to Whites. But even that disappeared 18 years ago.
I knew we shouldn’t have given a Green jacket to
that Black chap, Tiger somebody or other just because he won the Masters four times. They
don’t know how to behave. Look what he’s done to decorum, one of our founding
He’s now more famous for that, ‘You
can’t see the Woods for the birds’, joke than anything else.
You had to publicly admonish him for
his sexual exploits which were splashed all over the world. As you rightly said
he ‘disappointed all of us and in particular was no role model to our kids and
(Thinks: Discriminating against Blacks and women
is the role model to aim at)
It’s just as well our winners can’t
take those jackets with them. Imagine what it would do to our name if doing it
dressed only in one of them became the latest kinky, sex fad.
On top of that this chap was fined for
spitting on the 12th green at the Dubai Desert Classic. Putting
through that filth would be no joke?
And just when we thought it couldn’t
get any worse he throws a tantrum on our own course at this year’s Masters, swearing and
kicking his club because he shot a 75.
Billy you’ve got to
do something about him now. Forget about the women who the media are going on
about. This is much more important.
Fortunately our Ginni
is used to you men feeling inferior to clever girls. Fortune
Magazine has hadher in its 50 mostpowerful Women
in Business list for seven consecutive years ranking her 7th last year. Of course that was another
version of chauvinism.
We couldn’t have her beating a lot of men in the
list of the 50 Most powerful People in Business
now could we Billy.
Phil Michelson & Charl Schwartzel
Anyway I told her it’s not a big deal because
golf is not a game for real men. Can you think of any other sport Billythat allows you to move your ball to a better
position for the most trivial of reasons when you’ve hit it there yourself in
the first place?
And you complain about poor old Tiger, yet players are allowed to fiddle with their
balls on the greens in full view of everybody until they feel comfortable.
Not being too familiar with the game I’ve always
wondered how many strokes you are penalised if you get relief behind a bush –
one or two?
Jon, a formidable Pig
Buy my book 'Where have all the children gone?' on Amazon.com It's a thriller with an underlying love story.