Monday, July 30, 2012

Olympic Games to be drastically scaled down

Dear Olympic Organisers,
         We can’t go on like this. This year’s London Summer games could be the last in its present form.
          They are costing far, far, far too much to stage.
The entire1948 event in London cost 750 000 pounds (these primitive American computers have no pound signs because they seem to think the mighty $ is all that counts) where as this 2012’s opening ceremony alone hit the 27-million pound mark.
Is that Mitt Romney calling?
          During this period the number of nations competing has grown from 38 to 204. Where they’ve all come from goodness only knows.

         I’m sure the 2012 organisers made some of them up just to impress us. Where the devil are Vamiatu, Kyrgzstan and Voetsaki Island?

          And they’re all getting poorer, even the rich ones like the USA. The problem is there are just too many people in this world now and most of them are poverty stricken.
If there was a breeding Olympics man would win every time.
          The way things are going there won’t be a country rich enough to host the games and there are less and less countries that can afford to send a team of any consequence anyway.
Is this the Brits' only Gold?
          In spite of the burgeoning costs all we hear about is how we must add more and more sports. The Mayor of London Boris Johnson wanted to have the Wall Game at this year’s London games. It’s a crazy combination of soccer and rugby played against a curved wall at his old school, Eton.
         He might have been joking but that’s the way the Olympics have been going.
Logically, to be fair, we should add every other sport in the world.
If you have tennis, why not golf? And as soccer is in, rugby should also be there and what about Aussie rules footie. Then there’s tiddlywinks, pole dancing, chess, running with the bulls, and numerous other games that few of us have ever heard of.
          As sailing is there then you should allow speed boats and jetskis. Fishing, possibly the most popular sport in the world, should also be on the Olympic list.
A medal for Donald Trump Jr perhaps
Then there’s hunting of little birds to elephants. The Yanks regard shooting anything that moves as a sport, so I’m surprised this hasn’t been included already.
And as we are in London now the Queen should be potting grouse. The games will have to be extended beyond the Glorious Twelfth (of August) because that's when the slaughter season opens.   
         You can go on for ever with this kind or argument for expanding an event that is already far too bloated to last.
          To cut the games to a manageable size here are my suggestions.
All team sports should go including relays on the track and in the pool. Only individuals should be allowed to compete by themselves, not in boats, kyaks or on bikes or by using any other means of transport.
          Soccer has its own World Cup so what’s the point in repeating this at the Olympics. Tennis should also be left out because there are tournaments for this almost every week all over the world and it becomes tedious having the same billionaire champions vying for an Olympic medal.
What medal did he win Old Bean?
Judo and wrestling must go because they are so boring only the relatives of the competitors have any interest in watching an octopus of arms and legs wriggling about on the floor for ages in compromising positions. The rules too are so obscure the average person hasn’t a clue as to what’s going on.
          Fencing is too fast to be worth keeping with its blades flashing so quickly that even the judges have to resort to a video replay to establish who stabbed who.
          Dressage and cross country events should be in the zoo Olympics. The horses are the stars not the riders. I could also get moving on the back of a cheetah.
          The games should concentrate on ATHLETICS. That’s what it really should be about. Alright you can throw in swimming; boxing as a man’s sport without the protective head gear and namby pamby rules; gymnastics; weight lifting and perhaps archery and shooting.
          Be brave. Reform the Olympics drastically before it’s too late.
          That way you will be able to have ones that countries can stage without the fear of going bankrupt, or having white elephant memorials to this meeting of nations that so often turns sour for the hosts, immediately after the closing ceremony.
The Queen agrees with me obviously
          Don’t come back to me later and say I didn’t warn you.
          Yours bravely,
          Jon, whose only sign of Olympic potential was running rings round the masters of his Eton-like, posh school in Cape Town.

P.S. I bet you can't guess which of the nations I made up.


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