Saturday, February 4, 2012


Dear South African Sex Maniacs,
        Our African National Congress (ANC) is clearly your party. Tragically it’s so full of pricks that it can’t even tell the difference between a condom and a sieve. In spite of this it has been running South Africa for the past 18 years.
         And even with the best sexologist advisers in the land it still doesn’t understand what the withdrawal method means. It seems to think that if you withdraw a rubber full of holes you’ll be alright.
         No wonder we have one of the highest incidences of HIV and Aids in the world.
         As part of its R100-million centenary bash the ANC held an orgy in Bloemfontein, which has some historical significance or other for it.
         Its BIG KNOBS felt duty bound to make a show of trying to protect their followers from themselves. So they distributed 1.35-million French letters (sorry they were probably Xhosa or Zulu ones) to hotels, guesthouses, bars and dispensers in the bushes, at the tax-payers expense.
         Talk about over kill. Even their randy supporters wouldn’t have been able to rise to their high expectations. Reports put the number who attended at 100 000. So that makes 135 condoms per man, woman and child for each day of the four day shindig.
        Why they bothered I don’t know as our President Jacob Zuma had already set the country’s sexual standard by becoming notorious for not using a condom.
         Even on this special occasion the ANC failed to heed the unmentionable parts of its history.
         In its wisdom it decided that as the copulating masses were spraying Aids all over the place because they didn’t have the money to take any precautions the Government would hand out free balloons just like at a kid’s party.
         There were 300 - million distributed in 2003. I’m not sure how; they might have been dropped out of planes. But as the colour was not fashionable enough the then Minister of Health Manto Tshabala-Msimang, who made her name by promoting beetroot as a cure for Aids, decided to relaunch the Government’s brand a year later under the catchy name of  Choice.  
         She seemed baffled as to why people thought the Government ones were inferior to the commercial rubbers.
         I agree that’s hard to understand especially after 20-million punctured ones were withdrawn in 2007. The State’s common bugbear fraud had resulted in the Bureau of Standards passing this lot as perfect.
         In any case they didn’t have enough staff at the Bureau to try out that many.
         Unfazed our Manto told a 2008 Condom Week gathering that since the 2007 debacle all condoms had been subjected to rigorous testing.
         But what’s that saying? Employ pricks and you get holes.
         And that’s exactly what the bonkers, some of whom were HIV positive, discovered at the Bloemfontein celebrations.
         As usual the Government came up with its tried and tested answer by withdrawing the lot. But if this claim is true it must have collected used ones as well.
         So, rather than preventing Aids, the ANC’s grand scheme of free condoms for all is actually spreading it.
It seems the Pope was right when he said condoms were not the answer to the Aids epidemic.
But perhaps the ANC Government’s top secret plan is to breed a lot more party faithful, even if they are Aids ravaged, so its leaders can go on screwing the country for years to come.
         Is there any point in having a Bureau of Standards that contains just as many pricks as the Government? Rubber has never been its area of expertise.  Long before the ANC came to power its stamp of approval appeared on faulty retreaded tyres.
        So if you want to endanger the lives of people in a big way get the Bureau to do the recommending.
         The Government says: You have a Choice. But when it comes to your sexual well being, keep well away from any of its holey schemes.
         Yours faithfully,
         Jon, a former Condom factory tester, who was fired for taking quality too seriously.

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